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ANECDOTES 



of the 



GREAT WAR 



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ANECDOTES 

OF THE 

GREAT WAR 



GATHERED FROM EUROPEAN 
SOURCES 



By CARLETON B. CASE 



Shrewesbury Publishing Co. 
CHICAGO 



t^ S^(o 



2- 



Copyright, 1916 

by 

Shrewesbury Publishing Co. 



1 



©CU427885. 
APR 29 1916 



FOREWORD 

THERE have been occasions, even in this great- 
est of world's conflicts, when 

"Grim-visag'd war hath smoothed his 
wrinkled front," 
and stopped fighting long enough to smile. 

It could not be all slaughter and struggle, this 
war, or every combatant on the long, weary battle- 
line would go mad. There must be relaxation from 
the terrible tension. And there is. 

Human nature proves to be much the same in time 
of stress as under more cheerful circumstances, and 
the lads at the front, in the trenches, and even in 
the hospitals, as well as the sad-hearted folks left 
behind, are quick to catch at any incident, however 
trivial, that shall relieve the strain by a suggestion 
of mirthf ulness ; a mild paliative for the awf ulness of 
things as they are. 

In all wars there are amusing happenings; still 
but few are ever recorded, so overshadowed are they 
by more momentous matters. And now, while shrap- 
nel and gas-bombs are still fouling the European air 
and tremendous events that make history for a whole 
world are being enacted daily, seems the most fitting 
time to gather such material as the European press 









affords, to exhibit the lighter side of the world's most 
dreadful war. 

This is the first and so far the only collection of 
its kind published since the war began. In its com- 
pilation care has been taken to avoid all items calcu- 
lated to give offense to any. The bitterness and 
hatred that characterize much of the current offer- 
ings, especially of the German and British press, are 
given no place here, for reasons that must be obvious. 

The absence or scarcity of anecdotes from Russian, 
Japanese, Polish, Turkish, Bulgarian, Serbian and 
Italian sources may be attributed to the editor's in- 
ability at this time to secure access to suitable mate- 
rial, if such exists at all, and not to any wish to limit 
selections solely to the other combatants. 



ANECDOTES OF THE 
GREAT WAR 

BLANKETY-BLANK 

Mrs. Waring — "What language do the Belgians 
use, Paul?" 

Mr. Waring — "I don't know ; but I know what lan- 
guage I'd use if I were a Belgian!" 

HAS A MONOPOLY 

"How is it that nobody ever ventures to discuss the 
war with Jinks, and he has all the talking to himself?" 

"Well, you see, he's the only fellow in the club 
who knows how to pronounce the names of those Rus- 
sian and Polish jawbreaker towns." 

MERE TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR 

The proprietor of a cafe at Havre, in endeavoring 
to please his large-increased British clientele, as a 
consequence of the war, started his menus in English. 
The first effort of the local printer was : — 

"Soup, fish, entree, joint, sweet, wife and coffee 
included." 

Three francs was the price, and one might say not 
at all dear at that figure. 

5 



* 



6 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

FIGHT OR I QUIT YOU 
Mabel — "I think I shall give up my flat next 

week." 

Maud— "Why, is it too small?" 

_ Mabel— "No ; he won't enlist." 

WOULDN'T BACK OUT 

One night General '- was out on the line 

and observed a light on the mountain opposite. Think- 
ing it was a signal-light of the enemy, he remarked 
to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put 
through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the 
corporal in charge of the gun, said : 

"Corporal, do you see that light?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Put a hole through it," ordered the captain. 

The corporal sighted the gun, and, when all was 
ready, he looked up and said: 

"Captain, that's the moon." 

"Don't care for that," was the captain's ready rer 
sponse ; "put a hole through it, anyhow." 

UNDER CANVAS 

"Yes," sighed the mother, "I am so often worried 
about my boy John. You have no idea how much 
concerned a mother is when her son is on the tented 
field." 

"Ah!" said the sympathetic listener. "And what 
regiment is your son with?" 

"Regiment? Oh, he isn't with the army — he's em- 
ployed in a traveling circus." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 7 

PUNCTURED 

"Reckon I look a reg'lar Bluebird," quoth Tommy 
to himself, as he caught a khaki reflection of himself 
in a looking-glass. 

On going nearer he gazed at the rough stubble of 
his chin ruefully, and took a thoughtful look at his 
watch. 

"Just time," he muttered, as he pushed open the 
door of an unknown barber's shop. 

That worthy, with patriotic fervor, placed himself 
at the disposal of Tommy absolutely, and, between 
various tricky questions on points of war, nicked and 
gashed the poor soldier's face with consummate skill. 

The job finished, the barber surveyed Tommy with 
pride and admiration as he flicked him down with a 
towel. Our hero, however, again went and surveyed 
his face in the glass. 

"Give me a drink of water !" he gasped. 

"You ain't going to faint.?" exclaimed the alarmed 
hairdresser. 

"No — oh, no," calmly replied Tommy, staunching 
the wounds on his face. "I just want to see if my 
mouth'll hold water!" 

HE WANTED POTATOES 
A section of British infantry entered a French vil- 
lage in the evening and were going to billet for the 
night, so many thought it a good chance to cook a 
hot supper. A private had foraged round and found 
everything to make a good Irish stew except the pota- 
toes. Being unable to speak French, he asked his 



8 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

section commander what was the French for potatoes. 
The section commander, being a bit of a wit and 
scenting some fun, repHed, "Bon soir" ("Good 
evening" ) . 

The private in perfect good faith went up to a 
house door and was answered by a Frenchwoman, who 
did not understand one word of EngHsh, and the fol- 
lowing conversation occurred: 
Private — "Bon soir." 
Frenchwoman — "Bon soir, monsieur." 
Private — "Yes, bon soir." 
Frenchwoman — "Bon soir, monsieur." 
Private — "Yes, yes! Some bon soirs, please." 
Thomas Atkins, seeing the look of amazement on 
the good Frenchwoman's face, and seeing a potato 
lying in the roadway, thought he had better adopt 
different tactics, so, picking up the potato and show- 
ing it to the woman, said: "Here, missus, give us 
some of these blooming spuds!" 

ABSENT-MINDED BEGGAR 

The "Tommy" on leave from the front had been 
given a free railway pass to take him home to see his 
people, and he utilized part of his brief holiday to get 
married. On the return journey, when the ticket- 
inspector asked to see his pass, he produced by acci- 
dent his marriage lines. 

The inspector handed the paper back with a glim- 
mer of a smile. 

"This is a ticket for a very long and wearisome 
journey, young man," he said, "but not on this line." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 9 

AND THE TOOTUNS, TOO 

First Native — "We're doin' fine at the war, Jarge." 

Second Native — "Yes, Jahn; and so be they 
Frenchies." 

First Native — "Aye; an' so be they Belgians an' 
Italyuns an' Rooshians." 

Second Native — "Aye; an' so be they AUys. Oi 
dunno where they come from, Jahn, but they be per- 
fect fiends for fightin'." 

WAR BRIDE RETORTS 

Soldier's Unmarried Wife (who has been living 
with her man for eleven years, to charming and aris- 
tocratic widow, the local representative of the Sol- 
diers' and Sailors' Families' Association) — "Well, 
ma'am, I am going to be married next week, and I 
want you to come to the wedding. You've been so 
kind it would not be right without you." 

Fair Widow — "I shall be dehghted to come, Mrs. 
Brown. What day is it?" 

Mrs. Brown — "On Thursday, ma'am." 

Fair Widow — "That is very unfortunate. I am 
afraid I cannot go, as I have another important en- 
gagement." 

Mrs. Brown — "Is it very important, ma'am? Can't 
you put it off?" 

Fair Widow — "Well, the truth is, I am going to 
be married myself." 

Mrs. Brown — "Ah, I quite understand. It doesn't 
do to miss the chance of getting righted when you 
gets the opportunity, does it now, ma'am?" 



10 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

TO A CIGARETTE— IN THE TRENCHES 

I'm up to my knees in cold water, 

There's "Zeps" droppin' bombs from the sky, 
But I don't care a jot for the whole bloomin* lot; 

I've got you — and my matches are dry! 



A right guid f rien' ye are tue me. 
Ye gie me strength an' vigor. 

A comforter ye are. But, oh ! 
If only ye'd been bigger! 



I'm a bloomin' modest 'ero 'oo the boys say never 
swanks, 
And I've never told my story to reporters, 
But I'll be a bloomin' Kiplin' if they like, by way 
of thanks. 
For the blessed cigarette the post's just brought us. 



Oh, Kitchener is worth a lot, and so is Johnny French ; 
We talk a heap about 'em both when sitting in our 

trench. 
But if you want to know the chap whose name should 

be wrote big, 
I tell yer straight, the best of all is good old Gen'ral 

Cig. 



Here's to the beggar that hasn't a smoke. 
Nor a "fag-paper" even to make one; 

And here's to the toff, may he never go broke, 
Who asks Tommy Atkins to take one. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 11 

Bully beef and cocoa — you're right when in the fray. 

Cold roast beef and pickles — in barracks you're my 
lay. 

Chicken soup and jellies, in hospital you get. 

But I'd swap 'em all, and welcome, for you, my cig- 
arette. 



When the "Black Marias" are tumbling, dancing, 

bursting, spitting, grumbling; 

And to blow us all to bits is what they're after ; 

Ah, my little cigarette, you're the cheeriest friend 

I've met. 

For you help to turn the slaughter into laughter. 



SOME BOSS 

How Lord Kitchener is regarded in the English 
army was shown once in amusing fashion at a "geo- 
graphical tea-party." 

It was noticed that a young subaltern came into 
the room with a tiny portrait of Lord Kitchener in 
his buttonhole. No one could guess what geographi- 
cal significance could be attached to it. At last the 
young man explained that what he had intended to 
convey was "The Bos-phor-us." 

WHAT MUFFS ARE FOR 
"You are a regular muff, sir," said an exasperated 

sergeant, after vainly trying to drill a recruit. 

"Thank you sir," replied the latter; "if I am a 

muff, I have done my duty — I have made you warm !" 



12 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

GOING THE LIMIT 

Even the war has its bright side. Two negro por- 
ters were discussing it as they waited for a trail, to 
pull into the station. 

"Man," said the first, "dem Germany submaroons 
is sho'ly gwine to sink de British navy. Yas, sir-ee, 
dey's sho'ly gwine to 'splode dem naval boats dal'S 
waitin' out yonda." 

"Sho!" said porter number two. "An' what's 
gwine ter happen den?" 

"Why, dem Germany submaroons'll come right on 
'cross de ocean an' splode de rest ob de naval boats ob 
de world. Dat's what'll happen den. Sambo!" 

"Well, looky heah, Gawge. Ain't yo' an' me bet- 
ter decla' ouahselves a couple o' noot — ^nootral — 
nootralities ?" 

"Man," said Gawge, "yo' all kin be a nootrality 
if yo' wants to. Ah'm a German !" 

TOMMY ATKINS EXPLAINS WHY "IT'S A 
LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY" 

Scene : A street in a French town. Enter Thomas 
Atkins, singing; he meets Jean Pioupiou. 

T. A. — " 'It's a long, long way to Tipperary, it's 
— ' Halloa, cocky — ^how goes it.?" (Holds out his 
hand, genially.) 

J. P. — "Ah, mon cher ami! 'For eeze a zhoh good 
fellow,' n'est-ce-pasf^' (Attempts to embrace his new 
friend. ) 

T. A. — "Whoa, mare — steady on! You make me 
blush, old sport — it's not the thing where we come 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 13 

from. Kiss the girls — not half! But the men — not 
in tJiesel" 

J. P. — "You come from Teeperary — a long, long 
way, peut-etre?" 

T. A. — "Me? Never was there in the whole course 
of my natural, cher am% see voo play, mong cJier 
frere. What price my parley-vooing, eh?" 

J. P. — ^^Charmant — charmant! Vous parlerez 
bientot — " 

T. A. — "Cut it, old dear; I like you — you're hot 
stuff; but your queer langwidge is a bit too thick. 
Have a fag? No offense." 

J. P. — *'Merci bieriy m'sieu. Mais difes-moi — tiensf 
Tell me, eef you please, where is zis Teeperary, and 
why you sing always of it such a *long, long way?' 
Ees it that you all come from there?" 

T. A. — "Well, I never met anybody yet who'd been 
there, but I'll tell you one thing — ^promise you won't 
let on.?" 

J. P.— "'Let on?' Pardon— I do not—" 

T. A.— "You won't tell anyone?" 

J. P. — "Ah, non, non — pas un motl" 

T. A. — (Whispers hoarsely) "It's in Ireland." 

J. P. (Ecstatically) "Ah — Teeperary ees in Ire- 
land! Eet is the Hymne National of les Irlandais 
sans doute; the — what do you say — the National An- 
them of that country !" 

T. A. — (Rather taken aback) "Well, not exactly a 
hymn, my son. You're a long way off it yet." 

J. P. — " 'A long, long way' off eet, hein? But 



14 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

why so very far to this place you sing of? And why 
do you celebrate it so loudly on your marching?" 

T. A. — (Puzzled) "Blowed if I know. It's a long 
way because^ — you see, you'd have to cross the Chan- 
nel ; then first on the left and straight on till you board 
the Irish packet; then — ask a policeman. See?" 

J. P. — (Sadly) "Ah, out, ouL Je ne comprends pas 
■ — mille regrets.'' 

T. A. — "You no comprenny, eh? Same here — ^left 
my geography home on the piano, else I'd put it 
clearer." (An idea comes to him.) "You see, it's 
like this : we take Tipperary as kind of representative 
— oh, very hot. Now I'm oratin'. Twig?" 

J. -p.—'Tardonr 

T. A. — (Very earnestly, explaining to himself as 
well as his friend) "Means lots of things, Tipperary 
— ^home, the girl, a square feed, plenty of 'baccy, and 
the old pals, you know ; all signified by the word 'Tip- 
perary.' Understand? We pack it up tight for con- 
venience in transport, and when we sing it, it all comes 
out — the jolly things we've left behind. Got it?" 

J. P. — (Smiling happily) "Ah^ bien entendu — you 
'pack it' — ze Irish packet of which you have spoke, 
is it not ?" 

T. A. -—(Groaning softly) "Oh, Lord! Cheese it, 
Frenchie — you make me perspire. What I mean is, 
when we sing 'Tipperary' it reminds us of all these 
things. And we like it. Makes us feel nice all over." 

J. P. — (Joyously) "Voila — comme c'est bon — c*est 
aymbolique, un coup de Vimagination, n'est-ce-pasV 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 15 

T. A.—- (Catching the word) "That's it— you've 
struck it; it sets our imagina-see-on to work. Also 
it's a special swanky tune for marching to ; makes you 
forgfet your poor feet. Like the tune, eh? Savvy? 
Tipperary — you 'preciate the air — le musky tray 
hong, nace-pah?" 

J. P. (Beaming) "La musique — la melodie — ah, ouif 
mais c^est — how do you say him.?" (triumphantly): 
"Luv-leer 

T. A, — (Enthusiastically) "Oh, good! Bong gar- 
song! You cottoned on beautifully that time, any- 
how." 

J. V.—''Commentr 

T. A.— "Come on.? Where.? Oh, I see— one of 
your words. Well.?" 

J. P. — "But, tell me, eet is how long — how far — 
to Teeperary.?" 

T. A. — (Desperately) "Now look here, old dear; 
I've had enough of this. You take it from me there's 
some things you bally well canH get the hang of, and 
this is one of 'em. Never mind; donny-moi one of 
those funny little black fags of yours and we'll toddle 
to a caffy and drink to William the Conqueror — I 
donH think. Come on !" 

J. F.—"Commentr' 

T. A.— "That's what I said." (Takes his arm and 
sings): "'It's a long—'" 

J. P. (Joining in with huge glee as they go off) 
" ' — long way to Teeperary, eet's a long, long way 
to go-o-o — '" {Exeunt.) 



16 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

PLENTY TO CHOOSE FROM 

Will Irwin, the war correspondent, supped in Lon- 
don recently with Lincoln Springfield, editor. 

"Lord Kitchener," said Mr. Irwin, "told a young 
lady some years since that, if he ever married, his 
choice would be a German widow." 

"Well, he's making plenty of them now," chuckled 
Mr. Springfield. 

WINNING A BET 

One of the best stories told about Sir John French 
is how, one night at dinner, some officers were dis- 
cussing rifle-shooting. The general was listening, as 
was his wont, without making any remark, until at 
length he chipped in with : 

"Say, I'll bet anyone here," in his calm, quiet, de- 
liberate way, "that I can fire ten shots at 500 yards 
and call each shot correctly without waiting for the 
marker. I'll stake a box of cigars on it." 

The major present accepted the offer, and the next 
morning the whole mess was at the shooting range 
to see the trial. 

Sir John fired. "Miss!" he announced. He fired 
again. "Miss !" he repeated. A third shot. "Miss !" 

"Hold on there!" protested the major. "What are 
you doing .f^ You are not shooting at the target at 
all." 

But French finished his task. "Miss!" "Miss!" 
"Miss !" 

"Of course I wasn't shooting at the target," he 
said. "I was shooting for those cigars." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 17 

COCKNEY GERMAN 

He was a shining light of the Intelligence Corps, 
and before he arrived at Swakopmund his abilities as 
a linguist were spoken of with bated breath. To him 
there came his captain. 

"Glad you've come, Jones," said he; "we need a 
man who speaks German. Take a file and go down 
and tell that ofiicer we made a prisoner yesterday that 
I'll give him parole, but if he attempts to escape he'll 
be shot." 

Off marched Jones, full of the importance of his 
task. 

*'Sprechen sie Deutsch?'^ he asked the chap, to the 
great admiration of the onlookers. 

"Jfl, ja," said the big German, eagerly, glad to find 
some one who understood him at last. 

"Oh! yer do — do yer.?" said Jones. "Well, old 
sauerkraut, the captain says as 'ow 'e'll give yer 
parole, but if you blooming well tries to skip it, there's 
a bullet for yer! See.?^" 

IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE 

When the opposing lines of trenches are near 
enough together, bombs of all kinds are being used 
by both belligerents. Some of these bombs are made 
out of old jam tins; and it is related how, when one 
Pure Plum and Apple, bearing the maker's name, had 
succeeded in reaching its destination, the following 
plaintive remark was heard from the German trenches : 

"Ach, Himmel ! These English, these shopkeepers, 
how dey vos advertise !" 



18 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

ENGLISH MILITARY SLANG 
Tommy and His War Talk 

The fondness of soldier-boys for nicknames and 
slang is proverbial. Their talk in barrack-room and 
camp would at times puzzle the most versatile of lin- 
guists, for "Tommy" prides himself on the original- 
ity of his expressions. He has already developed a 
slang of his own in connection with the German war, 
and the official despatches mention that he has dubbed 
the huge German shells "coal-boxes," "Black Marias," 
"Jack Johnsons," and "suit-cases." Trenches exposed 
to artillery fire are "stalls for the pictures," while 
when an artilleryman makes a good shot he chuckles 
over the fact that he has "handed the Germans a good 
plum." 

Wire entanglements are known as the "Zoo," while 
German spies are "playing offside." "Flag-waggers" 
and "helio-wobblers" for signalmen are fairly obvious 
nicknames, and the latter's grin when they hear them 
is only equaled by that of the members of the Medical 
Corps, who are known by the somewhat undignified 
names of "poultice-wallopers" or "linseed lancers." 

The Ordnance Store Corps has been nicknamed the 
"Sugar-Stick Brigade," on account of the trimmings 
on its uniform. Tall men in the army are generally 
referred to as "lofties," and more often than not a 
cavalryman calls his horse his "long-faced chum," 
buglers being "fiddlers" or "wind-jammers." 

In ordinary conversation "Tommy" speaks of his 
clothes as his "clobber," and the canteen as the "tank," 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 19 

a man who talks too much being known as a "chin- 
wagger." To be in hospital is to be "in dock," while 
money is referred to as "oof," "rhino," "the ready," 
"pewter," or "shiners." A sovereign is a "canary," 
and if a man wants to borrow money he is "trying to 
raise a station" or "to get his feet under" (meaning 
the canteen-table). 

The man who drinks a lot is known as a "mopper," 
and "bun-stranglers" are temperance soldiers. 

A Reservist is a "dug-out," a recruit a "rookie," 
and a veteran an "old sweat." A wheelwright in the 
artillery is a "spoky," while the long-service medal 
is called the "rooti" medal — "rooti" being the slang 
term for bread, because the owner has eaten most. 
Puttees are known as "war socks," and jam as 
"possie." 

INFORMATION WANTED 

The way they do things in some of the odd corners 
of the British Empire, where they are comparatively 
free from wireless telegrams, is very pretty. The of- 
ficer in charge of a certain hinterland received from 
his superior officer at the base some time in August 
this message: 

"War has been declared. Arrest all enemy aliens 
in your district." 

With commendable promptitude the superior offi- 
cer received this reply: 

"Have arrested seven Germans, four Russians, two 
Frenchmen, five Italians, two Roumanians, and an 
American. Please say who we're at war with." 



20 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

THE AMUSING MONOCLE 
"Say, pop," said the American tourist's little boy 
in London, "why does that there soldier wear an eye- 
glass only on one eye?" 

"So he kin use t'other one to see with!" Mr. Scrap- 
ple answered. 

SURROUNDED ! 

A weaver, who is noted for his joking propensities, 
took his fellow-workers quite unawares the other morn- 
ing. He was reading, as has been his custom since 
the war began, the latest news of Army and Fleet. 
After glancing through the ^first page they were 
astonished to see Jock looking wildly about him, and 
gesticulating to his partner. 

"What dost think.? What dost think.? British 
Fleet 'as gotten surrounded. Dost jer? Dost yer? 
Our Fleet 'as gotten surrounded!" 

In less than five minutes they were off scanning 
their papers for the unbelievable news. At last one 
of the weavers, not being able to find the news in 
his paper, approached Jock. 

"Aw say, Jock, lad, wheer is it.?" 

"Wheer's what.? Th' British Fleet.? Whey, in t' 
North Sea, aw reckon." 

"Aw mean wheer did ta see it about t' German 
Fleet having surrounded our Fleet?" 

"Aw never said owt about th' German Fleet; aw 
said our Fleet ud gotten surrounded." 

"Well, what else con it be surrounded wi', then.?" 

"Whey, it's surrounded wi' waythur, tha f oo' !" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 21 

TEXT FOR A BIG "STORY" 

An English correspondent said in Washington: 

"I once tried to interview Lord Kitchener, the Eng- 
lish war minister. I tackled him after dinner in a 
hotel lounge as he sipped his coffee and puffed on a 
huge cigar. He stared at me when I proffered my 
request, then he blew a cloud of smoke and said: 

" *I never gave an interview in my life, and I never 
intend to.' 

"This seemed decisive enough. I felt myself get- 
ting red, and I stammered, as I prepared to go : 

" *Well, then. Lord Kitchener, will you at least give 
me your autograph? It would be worth having.' 

"He blew another cloud of smoke. Then he an- 
swered : 

"^You'd better go off and make your own auto- 
graph worth having.' " 

NOT AS IT SEEMED 

Whilst making his usual daily inspection of the 
stables the colonel noticed Private Jones opiving* his 
horse a piece of lump sugar. 

"I am very pleased to see you making much of 
your horse. Private Jones," he said; "it shows that 
you regard him with the true spirit, and I will not for- 
get you for it." 

Private Jones waited until his commanding officer 
was out of earshot, and then turned to his neighbor. 

"I wasn't making much of him," he said. "The 
blighter threw me off this morning, and I'm trying to 
give him the blinkin' toothache." 



22 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

THERE WERE HOPES 

MoUie (aged seven), English, and proud of it, was 
presented with a new and beautiful doll one morning. 

A little later in the day she discovered the horrid 
fact that it was "made in Germany." 

For a few tense moments the pride of her new pos- 
session had a mental wrestle with patriotism. Then 
Mollie remarked: 

"Well, never mind, she's very young, and I'll bring 
her up English." 

FAMILIAR SOUNDS 

He had been a riveter in one of the large shipyards, 
and was used to the din and roar of the thousands of 
hammers used in connection therewith, which causes 
deafness to many of the men engaged in this occu- 
pation. 

When the call of King and Country sounded he 
nobly responded and enlisted, and was eventually 
drafted to the front. 

It happened that the first of his nights near the 
scene of action was supremely quiet, but just before 
daylight the enemy's guns came into action, and the 
boom and roar of the "Jack Johnsons," etc., woke 
him with a start, and he gazed round the unusual 
surroundings of his billet. 

"What's wrong, mate .P" asked one of the old hands, 
seeing the expression on his face; "did you think 
the world was comin' to an end.'^" 

"No," was the reply, "but I thought I had slept 
in, and they had started work without me." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 23 

IMPORTANT MESSAGES 

Recruiting is responsible for a good story from 
Carmarthenshire. One of the latest accessions to 
Kitchener's army is a stalwart man 6 feet 2 inches in 
height, from the heart of the country, and on joining 
he expanded his chest with pride and ejaculated, "Now 
for the Germans." 

The following day he received from London a tele- 
gram : "Heartiest congratulations. — Kitchener." 

This was duly shown around, but next morning his 
pride was boundless on receiving the Royal message: 
"The Empire is proud of you. — George." 

It was not until the third day, when he received a 
wire, "For Heaven's sake, keep neutral. — ^Wilhelm," 
that he realized a waggish friend had been pulling his 
leg. 

THE JEW AND THE CROSS 

"I am told," said the Kaiser, "that you are a very 
poor man, and the only support of your aged par- 
ents. Because of your poverty you shall have your 
choice between taking the Iron Cross or a hundred 
marks." 

"Your Majesty," inquired the hero, "what is the 
Cross worth in money .f^" 

"Not much," said the Emperor. "It is the honor 
that makes it valuable. It is worth perhaps two 
marks." 

"Very well, then," said Einstein, drawing himself 
up to his full height and saluting. "I will take the 
Iron Cross and ninety-eight marks in cash !" 



24 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

RETREAT IN ORDER 

Even an extremely aggressive enemy can be con- 
quered by strategy; it is only a question of employ- 
ing the stratagem fitted to the case. 

An open-air preacher of East London understood 
this, and his stratagem fitted to a charm. He was 
addressing a crowd when a soldier who had been drink- 
ing came up and ridiculed the service. Finding it 
was useless to ignore the man, the preacher said: 

"Ah, my friend, you're no soldier. No servant of 
the King would get drunk and interrupt a peaceful 
service." 

The man said he was a soldier, and asked the 
preacher to test him. 

"Very well," was the reply, "I will. Now, then, 
attention !" 

This the soldier did as well as his condition would 
allow. 

"About — ^tum !" 

This order was also obeyed, though with some 
trouble. 

"Quick march!" 

And off went the valiant soldjer, marching down 
the road at a quick pace, while the preacher resumed 
his address. 

SUFFICIENTLY EQUIPPED 

Recruiting Sergeant — "I can't enlist you, my good 
man ; you have only one eye." 

Patriotic Scotsman — "Hoots ! that disna matter. 
Ye've tae shut ae e'e whin yer shootin' onywey." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 25 

"NEXT OF KIN" 

A good recruiting story, told by an officer at Sea- 
forth, shows how prone is a simple mind to be con- 
fused by the elaborate cross-questioning which the 
new recruit has to undergo. The officer was entrusted 
with the collection of particulars necessary for the 
allotment of allowances to the soldiers' dependents. 

He was interrogating a young fellow who did not 
seem to have a clear idea what it was all about. 

"Next of kin?" he asked, in a sharp, business-like 
way. 

The young soldier dropped his voice and became 
confidentially apologetic. 

"I'm only wearing a jersey," he replied; "my 
shirt's getting washed." 

HIS BROTHER'S TASK 

A young lad applied for work the other day at a 

shed in Burnley, where his three brothers had worked 

previously, but had 'listed. 

The manager, a thorough patriot, told the lad he 

could find him two looms at once, and then asked him : 
"How's your brother Frank going on?" 
" 'E's out at the front, sir, feighting." 
"Is your brother Albert out in France as well?" 
"Yes, sir, 'e's wi' eawr Frank — same regiment." 
"Your eldest brother, Jack, will be out there also, 

I reckon?" 

"No," said the youngster, with a proud shake of 

the head ; "eawr Jack hesn't gone to France yet. 'E's 

mindin' India !" 



26 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

THE SERGEANTS' MESS 

"Do you mean that you want me to press your 
trousers?" she demanded, with all the sternness she 
could muster. 

"Why, certainly, my dear," replied Sergeant 
Euchre, affably. "Am I asking too much?" 

"Well, I should just about think so, Charles Wil- 
liam. I'd have you know that when you married me 
you didn't marry a flat-iron." 

Charles William thought a lot. That same even- 
ing Mrs. Euchre chipped in with, "Oh, Charles, you 
might just button my dress up the back before you 
go out." 

But Sergeant Euchre merely filled his pipe as he 
chuckled softly, "Not much, popsy-wopsy. You must 
remember that when you accepted me you did not 
marry a buttonhook." 

And setting his cap at a rakish angle, he made for 
the sergeants' mess. 

BOUND TO KEEP OUT OF IT 

A recruiting sergeant, holding forth on the abso- 
lute necessity of every man enlisting, encountered an 
Irish wit. 

"Halloa, John ! Why can't you j oin the Colors ? I 
don't know how any man can stand aside in such ter- 
rible circumstances. Why, what would you do if the 
enemy came over here, eh ?" 

"Oh," said John, "that's the simplest thing on 
earth. Why, shure, I'd enlist for foreign service 
then." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 27 

CLEVER MACKAY 

Private John Mackay was pondering over the com- 
mon problem of "raising the wind." He was abso- 
lutely stony, hadn't even the money to buy himself 
a packet of "fags." But as he pondered an idea of 
striking originality took shape, which so delighted 
him with its simplicity that he immediately put it into 
practice. 

Entering a hut, which, along with hundreds of 
others, Kitchener has caused to be built to protect 
the soldiers from the changes of weather, he called 
to attention the party of new recruits. 

"Gentlemen," he began, as he produced a highly- 
polished silver watch, "I have here a watch to sell. 
I already have a wristlet watch" — here he used the 
conventional lie — "so there is no use keeping this one. 
Now, what do you offer for it?" The question was 
addressed to no one in particular. 

Save for cries of "a halfpenny" and "three-pence," 
no one appeared to be interested. But Mac wasn't 
downhearted. Advancing farther into the hut, he 
held up his hand. 

"We'll raffle it, then," he suggested, still feigning 
that he believed he would get a purchaser. "Here 
is a pack of cards." 

The cards were handed over, shuffled, and with the 
actions of an expert card player, a recruit deposited 
a card in front of each of the assembled men. 

"Now, each man back his card, threepence all round, 
and the watch goes to the highest card." 



28 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

This was done with remarkable speed, the recruits 
had pocket-money in plenty, and the schemer now 
gathered in his shekels. The cards were then turned, 
and the fellow who had managed to win rushed off 
to his corner, exultantly bearing his prize. Mac de- 
parted. 

Half an hour later Mac quietly slipped into the 
recruits' hut, and going over to the man who had 
captured the watch, whispered : 

"The man I got the watch from is wanting it. I'll 
very likely get into a scrape if I don't get it. I'll 
give you a shilling for it." 

The recruit quickly jumped to the conclusion that 
Mac had stolen the watch, and not wishing to be con- 
nected in any way with stolen property, promptly 
handed it back. 

As Mac went off with his watch to his own hut he 
muttered: "That's raised the wind, anyway." 

EXCUSE FOR POOR SHOOTING 

The other day some Scottish Territorials were at 
the rifle butts. One of the men, a tailor by trade, was 
making exceedingly bad practice, and missing the tar- 
get every shot. At length the officer in command be- 
came angry, and inquired gruffly : 

"Can you not see the target, sir? Surely you, as 
a tailor, must thread your own needle !" 

"Oh, aye, I can see the target," replied the Ter- 
rier, calmly, "an' I can thread a needle as well; but 
wha the mischief ever tried to thread a needle at twa 
hunder yairds.?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 29 

CORRECT; GO TO THE HEAD 

The schoolmaster wanted to know whether the Hoys 
had an understanding of the functions of a British 
Consulate. 

"Supposing," he began, framing his question in 
the likeliest way to arouse the interest of his hearers, 
"supposing some one took you up in an aeroplane, 
and after a long, exciting flight, dropped you down 
thousands of miles from home in a country quite 
foreign, what place would you seek out first of all?" 

An eager hand was instantly uplifted. 

"Well, Wilhe, what do you say?" 

"Please, sir, the hospital." 

SELF-INTEREST PARAMOUNT 

A senator was talking about the war. "Each side," 
he said, "is declaring hotly now that it will never re- 
ceive the foe within its hospitable borders again, and 
that after the war there will be no trading with the 
enemy forevermore. 

"When we hear talk like that, let us smile skep- 
tically, remembering the vain campaign of Wilber- 
force. 

"When Wilber force was fighting against slavery in 
London a shopkeeper put up a sign: 'No goods 
made with slave-grown cotton sold here.' But the 
man's rival then put up another sign : 'All our goods 
are made from cheap, slave-grown cotton.' 

"This latter sign got all the trade, of course. If 
the first one hadn't been taken down at once it would 
have driven its author into bankruptcy." 



30 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

WHY THEY WOULDN'T SHOOT 

A correspondent sends to the "Manchester Guard- 
ian" this story, evidently from an ironical Swiss paper. 
A few soldiers belonging to the brass band of a regi- 
ment in garrison at Basle went to a certain cafe for 
refreshments. One of them sat down alone at a table. 
Later a civilian, a German, joined him, and the two 
began to talk war politics. 

"Would you shoot the Germans if they invaded 
Switzerland?" asked the German. 

"Oh, no, never !" exclaimed the soldier. 

"Waiter, a pint of beer and a beefsteak with pota- 
toes for this brave man," ordered the civiliaii. "And 
your pals sitting at the next table — would they also 
not shoot the Germans if they tried to invade this 
country ?" 

"Oh, no, never!" retorted the Swiss. 

"Waiter, a glass of beer for each of the soldiers 
at the next table!" ordered the civilian. And, ad- 
dressing again the soldier, he asked: "Is this gen- 
erally the view held in the Swiss army in regard to 
a possible German invasion? Are all the Swiss sol- 
diers so Germanophil?" 

"I don't know," replied the soldier. 

"But why would you not shoot the Germans?" 

"Because we belong to the band !" 

SHOOK ALL OVER 

She — "Tell me, when you were in the army were 
you cool in the hour of danger?" 
He — "Cool? I actually shivered." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 51 

THE ONLY HINDRANCE 

Pat Molloy came in for his evening's beverage, and 
paper in hand, as usual. The crowd kept quiet to 
hear the latest war news. Pat said the war had reached 
a crisis, and that there was only one obstacle between 
the Allied Forces and Berlin. His listeners were dum- 
founded, and one of them, recovering quicker than 
the others, asked: 

"And what might that be, Pat.?" 

"Oh," said Pat, emptying his glass; "it's nothing 
but the Germany army." 

IRISH VS. GERMAN 

The Irish Tommy, prisoner, was feeling very wroth 
with the destroyers of Louvain, when a German officer 
dashed by on what Paddy termed "a rare bit of horse- 
flesh." 

"Faith, that's an Irish horse," said Paddy, and his 
eyes glinted maliciously at the Teutonic soldier, who 
had a fair knowledge of English, and at once took up 
the glove. They would probably have come to blows, 
in spite of Paddy's precarious position, had not a 
compatriot of his proposed that whoever could tell 
the biggest lie might claim the horse for his country. 
Paddy forthwith began a tale which was one lie from 
beginning to end, and stopped triumphantly. Then 
his Teutonic opponent began, in slow, but correct, 
English : — 

"There was once a German gentleman " 

"That settles it," said Paddy, with a sigh of resig- 
nation ; "the horse is a German one !" 



S2 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

WISE PRECAUTION 

Rain was falling steadily as the weary cyclist plod- 
ded on througli the mud. At last he spied a figure 
walking towards him through the gloom. Gladly he 
sprang off his machine, and asked the native: — 

"How far off is the village of Poppleton?" 

"Just ten miles the other way, sir," was the reply. 

"The other way !" exclaimed the cyclist. "But the 
last signpost I passed said it was in this direction." 

"Ah !" said the native, with a knowing grin, "but, 
ye see, we warped that there post round so as to fool 
those 'ere Zeppelins." 

A BLOODLESS BATTLE 

The occasion was the regimental ball. The band 
was there, and the palms and the refreshment buffet 
and everything was lovely. 

But in one corner, behind a beautiful green ram- 
part of palms, the young lieutenant and the colonel's 
daughter were trying to occupy the same chair, and 
were giving other evidence of the fact that their hearts 
had been pierced by some of Cupid's darts. 

Suddenly an intruder appeared — a fierce intruder 
in the uniformed personage of the young lady's 
father. Instantly the chair was abandoned, and the 
youthful swain stood at attention. 

"Sir," he said, in sharp, staccato tones, "I have the 
honor to report an engagement, in which I have been 
entirely victorious. Now, sir, it merely remains for 
you to give your official sanction of the terms of sur- 
render." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 33 

AT A PARIS HOTEL 

"My plate is damp." 

"Hush!" whispered his wife. "That's your soup. 
They serve small portions in war time." 

THE LAST RESORT 

Frau von Schmidt (of Berlin) — "Otto, where are 
we going for holidays this summer?" 
Otto— "Well— er— there's Turkey." 

CRUEL SPITE 

Village Haberdasher — "Yew take it from me, sir, 
folk in our village be very spiteful agin the Germans. 
Why, Oi reckon Oi've sold fifty 'ankerchers wi' Kitch- 
ener's face on 'em !" 

AN UNLOVED OFFICIAL 
Actual extract from a sailor's letter to his wife : 
"Dear Jane, — I am sending you a postal order for 

10s, which I hope you may get — ^but you may not — 

as this letter has to pass the Censor." 

EXTREMITY; MEANING FEET? 

He — "I hear that you are knitting socks for the 
fighting soldiers." 

She — "Yes; man's extremity is woman's opportu- 
nity, you know." 

AS EVER 

"Since the war began women have been taking the 
places of the men on the Paris street-cars." 

"Well, they'd do it here, but the men are too ill- 
mannered to get up." 



S4 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

AN OLD JOKE WORKED OVER 

A school teacher recently gave his pupils a lecture 
on patriotism. He pointed out the high motives 
which moved the Territorials to leave their homes and 
fight for their country. 

The school teacher noticed that one boy did not 
pay attention to the instruction, and as a test ques- 
tion he asked him : 

"What motives took the Territorials to the war?" 

The boy was puzzled for a moment, then, remem- 
bering the public "send-ofF" to the local regiment at 
the railway station, he replied: 

"Locomotives, sir." 

REASONABLE PREJUDICE 

Softly the nurse smoothed the sufferer's pillow. He 
had only been admitted that morning, and now he 
looked pleadingly up at the "ministering angel" who 
stood at his bedside. 

"An' phwat did yez say the docthor's name was, 
nurse, dear?" he asked. 

"Dr. Kilpatrick," was the reply. "He's the senior 
house surgeon." 

The sufferer winced, and pulled a wry face. 

"That settles it," he muttered, firmly. "That doc- 
thor won't get no chance to. operate on me." 

"Why not?" asked the nurse, in surprise. "He's a 
very clever man." 

"That's as may be," the patient said again, his 
voice cold and strong. "But me name happens to 
be Patrick." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 35 

WAR'S UNKNOWN HEROES 

Some men, dressed in civilian clothes, gathered to- 
gether in the smoking-room of the hotel, discussing 
the joys and sorrows of life at the Front. 

"Well, I've been with the Army and had a very 
interesting time," said one. 

"Ever got really alone with the enemy .f^" asked 
another. 

"Rather ! I once took two of their officers." 

"Unaided?" 

"Of course! And the very next day I took eight 
men !" 

"All wounded, I expect," sneered a listener. "You 
didn't get hurt, did you?" 

"Just a slight scratch, that's all. And two days 
after I took a transport wagon, and followed up that 
by taking a big gun." 

"Sir," said a disagreeable auditor, "I have seen 
some of the finest specimens of anything you can call 
to mind, but I wish to state that you are the biggest 
romancer that ever trod this earth." 

"Oh no, I am not that," replied the hero; "but I 
am a photographer!" 

THE RETORT JUVENILE 
A well-informed miss of fourteen inquired of her 
brother, "What would you say if you met a German 
lady and she said, 'Good morning, God punish Eng- 
land'?" 

The boy quickly replied, "I'd say, 'Don't you 
think you're very Hun-ladylike?'" 



S6 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

JUST TWO SHOTS APIECE 

They are telling a story in Switzerland about what 
would happen if the Kaiser violated Swiss, as he has 
already violated Belgian, neutrality. 

The Kaiser was amazed at a Swiss drill by the shoot- 
ing of the Switzers, who all scored bull's-eyes. 

"Wonderful shots !" said the Kaiser to a Swiss gen- 
eral. "Wonderful shots !" 

"And we have, your Majesty, 100,000 such shots 
in the Swiss army," the general answered. 

The Kaiser laughed, and in a joking way he said: 

"But suppose I invaded you with 200,000 soldiers?" 

"In that case, your Majesty," said the other, "we 
should each of us fire twice." 

MISSED THE USUAL SIGNAL 

A certain regiment stationed in Belfast was mus- 
tered in the Ormean Park for inspection, and were 
standing awaiting the arrival of their colonel. Pres- 
ently the commanding officer was seen approaching 
on horseback, but when a few paces from the troops 
the horse (which had been hired for the day) stood 
stock-still, and refused to move. 

The officer made desperate efforts to urge on his 
steed, but all to no purpose. Before long a group of 
bystanders encircled him, and one of them, a ragged 
urchin, suddenly cried out to his chum: — 

"I say. Bill, run and ring the park bell; it's a 
tramcar horse." 

This was enough for the colonel, who at once dis- 
mounted. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 37 

RIVERS IN THE WAR, NOW FAMOUS IN 
THE WORLD'S HISTORY 

Rivers have always played a great and sometimes a 
decisive role in the great drama of war, and the colos- 
sal European struggle raging at the present moment 
is no exception to the rule. On the contrary, the 
greatest battle the world has ever seen, both by rea- 
son of its duration and the numbers engaged, is not 
unlikely to go down to history as the Battle of the 
Rivers. These are the Aisne, the Oise, and the Somme, 
all of which, during that interminable battle, literally 
ran with blood. 

What a role, too, has the Meuse played in this 
war ! Indeed, it may be safely said that this river lit- 
erally saved the situation, for it was the difficulty of 
crossing it in the face of the fire of the Liege forts 
which caused that fortnight's delay in the carrying 
out of the Kaiser's programme which saved France, 
and perhaps eventually the British Empire. During 
that fortnight the waters of the Meuse were choked 
with the bodies of the slain. 

The River Mame will ever be memorable because 
it was along the line of that river that the great 
battle — a battle which may later be regarded as one 
of the decisive battles of the war — ^took place, which 
turned the Germans back upon their long journey 
home. Tens of thousands on both sides were slain in 
attempts to cross and recross this stream. 

The River Nethe, a tributary of the Scheldt, 
formed one of the main obstacles to the Germans in 
their great assault upon Antwerp. Time and time 



38 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

again the Germans succeeded in getting a pontoon 
bridge completed and came down to the river bank 
in soHd masses to cross it. As they came every Bel- 
gian gun that could be turned upon the spot was 
concentrated upon them and they were blown away 
and the bridge destroyed, until the river literally ran 
with blood. Similar destructions of pontoon bridges 
burdened with their living freight of men and horses 
and guns have occurred on all the many rivers which 
this war has brought into the terrible limelight of 
battle. 

A BITING RETORT 

"Jones, the captain wants you, matey. Whatcher 
bin doin'?" 

"It's that dog!" ejaculated Private Jones, as he 
made ready to appear before his superior officer. 

"Jones," said that worthy, frowningly, "this gen- 
tleman complain that you have killed his dog." 

"A dastardly trick," warmly interrupted the owner 
of the dog, "to kill a defenseless animal that would 
harm no one !" 

"Not much defenseless about it," chimed in the pri- 
vate, heatedly. "He bit pretty freely into my leg 
while I was on sentry duty, so I ran my bayonet into 
him." 

"Nonsense!" answered the owner, angrily. "He 
was such a docile creature. Why did you not defend 
yourself with the butt of your rifle.''" 

"Why didn't he bite me with his tail ?^^ asked Private 
Jones, humbly. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 39 

WE SUGGEST THIS TO ALL OF 'EM 

A visitor to a West-end restaurant in London, be- 
ing waited on by a particularly tall and fine-looking 
waiter with a foreign accent, asked the man his na- 
tionality. 

"Oh, I am a Hungarian," was the reply. 

"How comes it, then, that a big, strong fellow like 
you is not in the firing line?" asked the visitor. 

"Veil, sir, it's like this," replied the knight of the 
napkin, pointing to a brother waiter a few tables off; 
"you see that man? Veil, he's a Serb, and we have 
vat you call paired." 

CAUSE FOR HOME-SICKNESS 

The recruit walked into the barrack-room and in- 
advertently left the door open. An old soldier im- 
mediately yelled : — 

"Shut the door, you fool ! Where were you bom — 
in a barn?" 

The youngster closed the door, then, dropping 
down on his ^ cot, buried his face in his hands and 
began to weep. The old soldier looked somewhat un- 
comfortable, and, rising, finally walked over to the 
weeper and tapped him on the shoulder. 

"Look here, boy," he said, "I didn't intend to hurt 
your feelings. I just wanted the door closed." 

The weeper raised his head and grinned. 

"Comrade," he said, "I'm not crying because you 
hurt my feelings; but because you asked me if I was 
bom in a bam. I was, and every time I hear an ass 
bray it makes me feel home-sick." 



40 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

REGULAR SEA DOG 

A sailor belonging to one of His Majesty's ships 
returned home unexpectedly. 

"Why, what's up, Jack?" asked his old father, 
when he saw him. 

"Had to put back. Too rough," said the Tar, joc- 
ularly. 

"Too rough ! Well, that's yere modern navy, is it, 
with her quick-firers and torpedo^-catchers .? Too 
rough, eh? Why, Jack, my boy, I remembers when 
I was in the old Grampius — well, it was a gale, and it 
did blow. Well, it blowed so hard that the skipper 
gave orders to cut away the mast, and no sooner had 
the carpenter appeared on deck than the wind blowed 
the teeth clean out of his saw !" 

"That's nothing," retorted Jack. "Only yesterday 
the wind happened to veer round and caught our 
guns end on and it blowed the breeches clean out of 
all of them." 

"Jack, my boy," said the old man, "give me yer 
hand. Yer was cut out for the sea." ^ 

PROFESSIONAL TREATMENT 

Patient (to pretty nurse) — "Will you be my wife 
when I recover.?" 

Pretty Nurse — "Certainly." 

Patient — "Then you love me?" 

Pretty Nurse — "Oh, no! That's merely a part of 
my treatment. I must keep my patients cheerful. I 
promised this morning to run away with a married 
man who had lost both his legs." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 41 

WAR NEWS IN THE PANTRY 

"James !" she said, severely. 

The butler looked up with a guilty flush. 

"James," she asked, "how is it that whenever I 
come into the pantry I find your work at sixes and 
sevens, and you sprawled out reading the war news?" 

"Well, ma'am," the butler answered, "I should say 
it was on account of them old rubber-sole shoes you're 
always wearin' about the house." 

DRAWING THE LINE 

There was on Master Tommy Whiffles's face, as 
he came in from play, an expression of unalloyed 
satisfaction. Be bounced down on the one sound 
spring of the sofa with a sigh so indicative of pro- 
found content that his father was instantly filled with 
misgivings. 

Half an hour afterwards Dabbs, from the next 
street, strode up the garden path and gave a pull at 
the front-door bell. 

"If I catch your boy playing war games within a 
mile of my place again," he announced, "I'll trounce 
him till his hide looks like the paint on a barber's 
pole." 

"Steady, old fellow, steady," advised Whiffles, 
senior. "It's very stupid for you to throw out rash 
threats. What boy wouldn't play war games now- 
adays, eh? Boys will be boys, you know." 

"Let him keep a boy, then," snarled Dabbs; "it's 
when he imagines himself a Prussian army corps and 
my greenhouse a cathedral that I draw the line." 



42 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

NO UNION HOURS 

The soldier was telling the workman about a battle 
that he had once been in that had lasted from eight 
o'clock in the morning until seven o'clock at night. 
His description was most graphic, and he became very 
enthusiastic as he lived through the stirring scenes 
again. 

"There's one thing I can't understand about the 
story," said the workman, slowly, when he had fin- 
ished. "You say that the battle began at eight o'clock 
in the morning and lasted until seven o'clock at night .?" 

"Yes, that's so," was the reply. 

"Then," retorted the workman, with a puzzled air, 
"what I can't make out is, how did you manage about 
your dinner-hour?" 

MISSED SOMETHING 

Green was a raw recruit, and in his ignorance of 
the ways of the army had committed some slight of- 
fense. When brought before the colonel, that worthy 
was pleased to let him off with only a sharp admoni- 
tion. The facts of the case appeared in the regi- 
mental orders, and when Green read the account he 
rushed off to his sergeant breathless with indignation. 

"Why, sergeant, it says in the orders that I was 
'discharged with an admonition,'" he complained. 
"An' all I got was a good wiggin'. Some other fel- 
low 'as been and kept that admonition and means to 
do me out of it. Now, I wants to know what it is, 
for I mean to have it. I don't mean to be cheated 
out of anything!" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 43 

HIS MEANING IS PLAIN 

The wounded Irish soldier was relating his adven- 
tures to the inquisitive old lady visitor. 

"Afther we captured th' hill, mum," he said, "we 
hild it fur a whoile, but was evintually forced to re- 
trate by th' weight av numbers." 

"And were there many dead left on the hill.''" she 
asked, anxiously. 

"Dead!" he echoed. "Whoi, the whole hillsoide 
was simply aloive wid thim !" 

SOONER OR LATER 

Private was known to all his chums as "the 

early bird," probably because it was an exact descrip- 
tion of the very opposite to what he really was, for 
"the early bird" was always late, the last man to get 
out of bed at reveille and the last man on parade, and 
when his regiment sailed for France his chums declared 
that he was the last into the transport ship and the 
last out of it. 

When his regiment was doing its spell in the 
trenches "the early bird" was sent for by his officer, 
and as he was creeping along the trench towards the 
dug-out a stray bullet caught him in the shoulder, 
just as he was outside the officer's shelter. 

After seeing that he wasn't seriously wounded, the 
officer exclaimed, with a twinkle in his eye, "If you 
had just been a second earlier you would have missed 
that." 

"I would, sir," returned Private , "or if I had 

been a second later it would have missed me." 



44 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

INTERRUPTED REPAST 

A Territorial on guard one night was walking up 
and down his beat in a business-hke w^ay when one of 
his chums brought him some pudding, which he was 
very pleased to get. 

He was sitting down in the sentry-box, eating it, 
when the general of his regiment came up to him in 
civihan clothes. 

The Territorial carried on with his pudding, not 
noticing the general. 

The general said : — 

"Do you know who I am.?" 

"You're the general's servant .?" 

"No; guess again." 

"Well, you're his butler.?" 

"No ; guess again." 

"Maybe you are the general himself.?" 

"That's who I am." 

"Oh, half a mo ! Hold this pudding until I present 
arms." 

AN EXCELLENT BRIGADE 

We heard of a man the other da'y who, being ap- 
parently of military age (though he was really over 
it), was confronted by the usual old gentleman in the 
usual railway carriage with the challenge why had 
he not joined. 

"Oh, but I belong to the M. B. B.," said the victim. 

"M. B. B..? What's that, sir?" 

"The Mind My Own Business Brigade," replied 
the other, resuming his reading of the paper. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 45 

WHY THEY THREW HIM IN AGAIN 

A dentist in an English east-coast town was one 
day standing on the pier watching the evolutions of 
some warships, when he accidentally toppled into the 
water. Three recruits who were standing by imme- 
diately plunged in to the rescue and hauled him out. 

On recovering his breath, he looked admiringly at 
his brave rescuers, and in a voice filled with deep 
gratitude he said: 

"My brave fellows, how can I ever repay you for 
your gallantry? Just come along to my consulting 
rooms, and I'll draw all the bloomin' teeth out of your 
heads, and not charge you a penny." 

NOTHING TO FUSS ABOUT 
At a "certain place in France" where the British 
and German trenches are within shouting distance 
of each other, the German soldiers were loudly sing- 
ing one of their favorite war songs, "Gott mit uns! 
Gott mit uns !" 

These "vain repetitions" palled on the Britons after 
a time, and at last an exasperated Jock arose in wrath 
and shouted across to the enemy, "Hae dune wi' yer 
bletherin' ! Ilka yin o' us has got mittens tae, tho' 
we dinna mak' sic a fash aboot them." 

FOES AS FRIENDS 

Undoubtedly the most amazing feature of the pres- 
ent war was the manner in which foe fraternized with 
foe on Christmas Day — when English and German ex- 
changed presents, had Christmas trees in the trenches, 



46 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

and gave concerts for one another's benefit. Never- 
theless, these incidents are no new feature of warfare. 
Welhngton had to cope with what he regarded as a 
very serious similar state of affairs during the Penin- 
sular war. He issued the strictest orders and took 
the severest measures to stop it, making it punishable 
with death for any man to be found holding any form 
of intercourse with the enemy. 

When in Portugal the English lines were so close 
to those of the army of Massena that the horses had 
to water at the same river which separated them, the 
soldiers came to a mutual understanding not to fire 
on one another when drawing water. This led to an 
exchange of gifts and finally to the amazing spectacle 
of English and French soldiers sitting round the same 
camp fires, sharing rations and playing cards. 

It seems "to be a common phenomenon of war that, 
however bitter the struggle, a feeling of friendship 
will spring up after a time between the troops in the 
front ranks if they are close to one another for any 
length of time. It was so in the Russo-Japanese war, 
and it seems to arise from a growing respect for one's 
adversary in sharing common hardships and danger. 
National feeling gives way before the fellow-feeling 
for the man opposite, who, after all, is not respon- 
sible for the war, but only obeying orders. 

As one paper said at the time of the incident in 
this present war, "The little tales of the Christmas 
truce in the trenches prove that the gospel of brother- 
hood is more powerful than the gospel of hate." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 47 

STRICTLY OBEDIENT 

Colonel Kemjss, of the 40th Regiment, was re- 
markable for the studied pomposity of his diction. 
One day, observing that a careless man in the ranks 
had a particularly dirty face, which appeared not to 
have been washed for a twelvemonth, he was exceed- 
ingly indignant at so gross a violation of military 
propriety. 

"Take him," said he to the corporal, who was an 
Irishman, "take the man and lave him in the waters 
of the Guadiana." 

After some time the corporal returned. 

"What have you done with the man I sent with 
you.'^" inquired the colonel. Up flew the corporal's 
right hand across the peak of his cap. 

"Sure an't plaise y'r honor, and didn't y'r honor 
tell me to lave him in the river .^^ And sure enough I 
left him in the river, and there he is now, according 
to y'r honor's orders." 

NOT LIKELY 

A Barbados plantation negro is reported to have 
said to his overseer : 

"Massa, is it true that before the war the Kaiser 
sent a bag of rice to King George and told him, 'King 
George, I'se got as many soldiers as there is rice in 
this bag,' and that King George sent to the Kaiser 
a bottle of the hottest peppers that grows and teU 
him, 'I only got as many soldiers as peppers in this 
bottle, but you just bite one of them and you'll see 
how your soldiers will like 'em' ?^^ 



48 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

THE KAISER'S INCOME 
How His Money Is Invested 

Thanks to the advice of financiers who, for obvious 
reasons, he admitted to his friendship, the Kaiser's 
private fortune has increased to such an extent of late 
years that it was estimated a short lime ago by the 
eminent German authority, Herr Rudolph Martin, 
that he is easily the richest man in Germany, having 
an annual income of five million dollars derived from 
possessions valued at approximately $100,000,000. 

Apart from the Kaiser's fortune, his son, the Crown 
Prince, has a separate income of $250,000, drawn 
from property valued at nearly $5,000,000, while the 
Kaiser's brother, Prince Henry, enjoys some $150,- 
000 a year on account of an estate worth two and a 
half million. Altogether the principal members of 
the Hohenzollem family own property valued at ap- 
proximately $125,000,000. 

The Kaiser's fortune has been mainly built up by 
investments in many businesses. He has some very 
large holdings in the big German steamship lines, is 
extensively interested in the diamond-mine enterprises 
of German West Africa, owns forests and lands to 
the value of seventeen and a half millions, carries on 
a large lumber business, and has a horse-breeding es- 
tablishment in Western Prussia which brings him in 
a handsome revenue. Furthermore, he has great finan- 
cial interests in a municipal lager-beer brewery at 
Hanover, and founded an extensive pottery factory 
on his private estates at Cadinen. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 49 

Altogether the Kaiser o-ivns about forty castles and 
country houses, valued at $10,000,000, and various 
property in Berlin, approximately worth $5,000,000. 
In seven different provinces he owns seventy-four es- 
tates, comprising close on half a million acres. 

It is interesting to note that ever since Germany 
began to make preparations for a great war the 
Kaiser has been investing immense sums of money on 
the other side of the Atlantic. He is one of the 
largest landowners in the Western United States — not 
in his own name, of course — and owns a considerable 
section of property in the West of Canada. So no- 
torious is the fact that it was at one time a standing 
joke at Vancouver that, although the Kaiser was a 
large owner of property in a certain district, he de- 
clined to join the local ratepayers' association, which 
would have been materially assisted in its propaganda 
by the use of his name. 

SOMETHING REPOSEFUL 

Soldiers were called for, owing to the scarcity of 
civilians, to work the railway. The weary "Tommies" 
were lying in camp one night after a hard day's work, 
when a sergeant called out: 

"Any of you men want to put your names down 
as railway porters, drivers, stokers, half -boiled clerks, 
or for any other appointments connected with the 
railway .?" 

Silence, broken only by snores. Then one "Tommy" 
slowly raised his head and drowsily muttered: 

"Put me down as a sleeper, sergeant." 



50 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

ENOUGH IS TOO MUCH 

"Are you going to the Wallerby inception to- 
night?" 

"No. The Twobbles will be there, so I declined my 
invitation." 

"Why do you object to the presence of the Twob- 
bles.?" 

"I don't object to their presence particularly, but 
I have already heard them tell the story of their es- 
cape from Berlin ten or twelve times, and I don't feel 
equal to another recital." 

TELLING HIM ALL ABOUT IT 

The recruits were going through their first course 
of musketry, and they were in charge of a full-blown 
second lieutenant, who was trying to show his author- 
ity, together with his great knowledge of musketry. 
Sauntering up to the latest recruit, he said : — 

"See here, my man, this thing is a rifle; this is the 
barrel, this is the butt, and this is where you put the 
cartridge in." 

The recruit seemed to be taking it all in, so the 
officer, continuing, said: — 

"You put the weapon to your shoulder; these little 
things on the barrel are called sights; then to fire 
you pull this little thing, which is called the trigger. 
Now smarten yourself up, and remember what I have 
told you, and, by the way, what trade did you follow 
before you enlisted? — a collier, I suppose." 

"No, sir," came the reply. "I only worked a« a 
gunsmith for the Government Small Arms Factory." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 51 

THE ENGLISH LIKE THIS KIND 

A little boy received a toy donkey as a birthday 
present. 

"What are you going to call it?" asked his father. 

"King George," replied the boy. 

"Oh, no," said his father, "that would never do. 
That would be an insult to the King. Why not call 
it the Kaiser.?" 

"Because," said the little boy, indignantly, "that 
would be an insult to my donkey." 

GAVE IT AWAY 

A Scottish Territorial was having his first experi- 
ence of night duty, and was feeling a little nervous. 
The password was "Discount." 

In the darkest of the small hours a black form 
suddenly stepped up to him. 

"Wh-wh-who goes there.?" he challenged. 

"Friend," was the reply. 

"Advance, f-f -friend, and give the d-d-discount." 

A "SHIRT-SLEEVE GENERAL" 
It was in South Africa that General French earned 
the title of the "shirt-sleeve General" — a sobriquet 
that conveys a subtle compliment from "Tommy's" 
point of view. Actually French was often to be 
seen walking about in camp during his heavy marches 
in shirt-sleeves, writes Mr. Cecil Chisholm, in his biog- 
raphy of Sir John French. 

One afternoon a correspondent rode up to the lines, 
and, seeing a soldier sitting on a bundle of hay, smok- 



52 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

ing a dilapidated-looking old briar pipe, asked where 
the General was. 

"The old man is somewhere about," coolly replied 
the soldier. 

"Well, just hold my horse while I go and search 
for him." 

"Certainly, sir," and the smoker rose and obediently 
took the bridle. 

"Can you tell me where the General is?" inquired 
the correspondent of a staff-officer farther down the 
line. 

"General French ? Oh, he's somewhere about. Why, 
there he is, holding that horse's head !" 

And the officer pointed directly to the smoker, still 
tranquilly pulling at his pipe and holding the horse. 
Needless to say, "Uncle French" and his men hugely 
enjoyed the correspondent's awakening. 

GRIN AND BEAR IT 

This war will go on and on," said Mrs. Harry 
Payne Whitney, who has given a $£50,000 field hos- 
pital to the belligerents. 

"This war will go on and on," she repeated, sadly, 
"and the side that is getting the worst of it will dis- 
play the spirit of little Willie. 

"Little Willie's father, as he laid on the slipper, 
said : 

" * Willie, this hurts me more, far more, than it does 
you.' 

" *Then keep it up,' said Willie, grinding his teeth. 
*Keep it up, dad. I can stand it.' " 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 53 

CHANCE FOR A FREE RIDE 
General Servant — "If you please, mum, may I have 

a 'oliday?" 

Mistress — "Why, Jane, you have had a fortnight's 

holiday these last twelve months already." 

Servant — "Yes, mum; but the baker tells me that 

the Government gents is sending generals out to 

France, their fares is paid by the taxes, and I thought 

the sea-trip would do me good, mum." 

KING ALBERT— CHAUFFEUR 

The King of the Belgians, one of the most demo- 
cratic of European monarchs, was spending some time 
in Switzerland in the summer when the following inci- 
dent happened. 

At Territet the King and Queen were motoring. 
His Majesty was driving, and there were no attend- 
ants. The Queen went into a shop to make some 
purchases. The King was standing by the car read- 
ing a newspaper, when an American woman came out 
of the shop, jumped into the car, which she mistook 
for a public conveyance, and bade the monarch to 
drive her quickly to her hotel. 

"Certainly, madam," said the King, and deposited 
the woman at the hotel. 

Accounts vary as to whether the King accepted or 
did not accept any fare. 

In the meantime the Queen had come out of the 
store and was surprised to find that her husband and 
the car were absent. However, they speedily returned, 
and their Majesties laughed over the story together. 



54 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

TIRED AND CROSS 

Two companies of the "Buffs" were marching along 
after a very tiring day, when a young staff officer 
galloped up to the captain in command of the party. 

"Are you the West Riding?" he asked. 

But before the captain had time to reply a gruff 
voice answered from the ranks, "No, we're the Buffs 
— ^walking." 

TURKISH NAVAL EFFICIENCY 

The acquisition of a brand-new Brazilian Dread- 
naught by Turkey recalls the story of the Turkish ad- 
miral who had been newly appointed to the command 
of the ^gean squadron. He installed himself in the 
admiral's quarters — which opened to the stemwalk — 
on board the new flagship one evening, and went to 
bed. Next morning he awoke and ordered full speed 
ahead. After a little delay the propeller began to re- 
volve, but as it had not moved since the ship was sold 
to Turkey — at more than cost price by a power which 
had no use for it — it made a tremendous racket. 

"Allah !" cried the admiral. "What in the name of 
the Prophet is this uproar.?" 

"That, Excellency, is the propeller," replied the 
captain. 

"Stop it, then!" 

It was pointed out to the admiral that stopping 
the propeller resulted as a rule in the stopping of the 
ship likewise. 

"Then take the thing off," bellowed the naval auto- 
crat, "and put it on the other end." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 55 

ROUGH ON TOMMY 

The mails from home had just been received by 
a certain regiment. Not only were there letters, but 
many parcels from relatives and friends at home for 
lucky soldiers. One of the Tommies received a large 
box addressed to himself, and with a triumphant yell 
he rushed off to his company's lines and gathered 
them around him to share in the eagerly anticipated 
contents of his box. 

"Smokes, lads !" he cried, as he undid the wrapping. 
"From the old man; I knows it. An' there's sure to 
be a bottle or two of Scotch." 

He opened the box, gave one look at the contents, 
and collapsed in a heap. 

"What is it?" cried his comrades, pressing round. 

"It's from ole Auntie Miary," groaned the disap- 
pointed warrior. "Bandages an' ointment an' embro- 
cation an' splints, an' a book on *'0w to be yer own 
Surgin' !" 

NOT EXACTLY COMPLIMENTARY 

The company marched so poorly and went through 
their drill so badly that the captain, who was of a 
somewhat excitable nature, shouted indignantly at 
the soldiers: — 

"You knock-kneed, big-footed idiots, you are not 
worthy of being drilled by a captain. What you 
want is a rhinoceros to drill you, you wretched lot of 
donkeys." 

Then, sheathing his sword indignantly, he added, 
"Now, lieutenant, you take charge of them!" 



56 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

THE QUEEN, LIEUTENANT 
The sporty lieutenant, on being handed one of the 
mufflers so thoughtfully sent out to English soldiers 
at the Front by "Mary R." representing the ladies of 
the Empire, murmured: — 

"I thought I knew every single one of the Empire 
ladies, by sight at any rate; but dashed if I can re- 
member 'Mary R.'" 

FINE WORK 

The war bulletins, which used to announce the tak- 
ing of provinces and army corps, announce now the 
taking of single trenches, or single farm-houses — 
they announce, like a football game, gains of a few 
yards. 

It's fine work, very fine work. It reminds one of 
the jockey who was a trifle overweight — only a trifle, 
mind ; but this trifle was enough to disqualify him. 

"James," said his owner after the scales had told 
their tale, "is there nothing more you can do.''" 

"No, sir; nothin'." 

"Are you shaved and hair-cut?" 

"Half an hour ago." 

"Nails.?" 

The jockey showed his nails. They were trimmed 
to the quick. 

"You'd better get your tonsils cut, James." 

But this, too, had been done. 

"Well, then, James," said the owner, "there's noth- 
ing for it but to have your appendix taken out. 
Hurry off^ to the hospital now, or you'll be too late." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 57 

NO CAUSE FOR FEAR 
A company of Territorials were at the range. The 
usual marker had not turned up, but a deputy was 
soon found in the person of an old worthy well- 
known in the district who occasionally acted as sub- 
stitute in such circumstances. The first round was 
about to be fired when the captain, looking towards 
the target, was almost stupefied to see the newly- 
engaged marker right in the line of fire. 

"Stop firing !" he screeched, as he hastened to where 
the old man stood, calmly smoking. "You blithering 
idiot!" he yelled, as he approached. "Do you know 
you were within an ace of death just now?" 

"Ich, aye," was the reply. "Jist fire awa'. A've 
marked for your squad before." 

GIVE AND TAKE 

A South African newspaper hears that much 
badinage by wireless passes between English officers 
at Luderitzbucht and the German officers at Windhuk. 
The other day, so the story runs, the O. C. German 
troops at Windhuk wirelessed down to a certain prom- 
inent officer: 

"Stop your men playing football and teach them 
to drill instead ; Kolmanskop will make a good parade 
ground." 

That night a reconnoitering party went out to 
Kolmanskop and killed four Germans and wounded 
another. Colonel Blank thereupon wirelessed to 
Windhuk : 

"Took your advice; scored four goals and a try." 



58 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

FUN ON THE FIRING-LINE 

The course of training for a recruit is not all 
drudgery. Hardly a day passes without some amus- 
ing incident happening. The following occurred a 
few weeks ago in a Territorial regiment. 

The day's programme included practice in passing 
messages from mouth to mouth all along the line. In 
the roar of a battle it is very necessary that each 
man should be able to pass on a message which could 
not be heard if the officer in charge called it out. The 
officer got the men in a firing position and whispered 
the following message to the man on the left flank : — 

"Left half company commander to right half com- 
paiiy commander — ammunition almost done; let us 
have more quickly," and ordered the message to be 
passed to the right. In a few minutes he called up 
the right-flank man and asked for the message as he 
received it. 

The reply was: — 

"Ammunition all gone. God Save the King." 

There was very little order for a few minutes after 
that. 

DOING HIS BIT 

Recruiting Sergeant — "Whose are these strapping 
youths, and why aren't they in the army .?" 

Farmer — "They be my sons, for sure." 

Recruiting Sergeant — "Good heavens, man ! Aren't 
you doing anything for your country.?" 

Farmer — "In coorse I am. I sends two eggs 
every week to the wounded soldiers at the horspital." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 59 

WELCOME PRISONERS 

A captain of Hussars gave a dinner to the men of 
his squadron the night before the}^ left for the front. 

"Now, my lads," he said, "treat this dinner as you 
will the enemy." 

And they set to with a will. 

After dinner he discovered one of the men stowing 
away bottles of champagne into a bag, and, highly 
indignant, he demanded to know what he meant by 
such conduct. 

"I'm only obeying orders, sir," said the man. 

"Obeying orders !" roared the captain ; "what do 
you mean, sir.?" 

"You told us to treat the dinner like the enemy, 
sir, and when we meet the enemy, sir, those we don't 
kill we take prisoners." 

HE KNEW THE ANSWER 

One of the best stories of regimental life told by 
General Sir Archibald Hunter, the commander of Eng- 
land's third new army, concerns a certain "Tommy" 
who was more noted for his wit than his scholarship. 
The man's grammar and spelling were simply awful, 
and Sir Archibald was trying to teach him the King's 
English. 

"I don't believe you know what w-o-m-a-n spells," 
said he to the uneducated soldier on one occasion. 

"Trouble as a rule, sir," rephed "Tommy," with 
a grin. 

Hunter was so amused that he was quite unable to 
reprimand the man for his "cheek." 



60 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

A JOKE IN THE TRENCHES 

"Can anny av yer tell me why the Scots are the 
most humane sojers at the front?" asked the Irish 
sergeant, as he set light to his pipe. 

"We give it up," came the ready response from the 
boys just returned from the trenches. 

"Why, it's bekase they always carry their kilt afF 
the field." 

HE KNEW WHERE IT WAS 

The drill instructor passed his hand wearily across 
his forehead. He had been breaking in some raw 
recruits and instructing them in the elements of com- 
pany drill. 

The majority were intelligent fellows, and found 
no difficulty in obeying his instructions; but one, in 
particular, did not seem able to understand even a 
simple order. 

At last, losing his temper, the drill instructor de- 
termined to bring him to his senses by holding him 
up to ridicule. Calling him to the front he proceeded 
to put him through his paces. 

"Eyes front!" he roared. 

To everybody's astonishment the recruit gazed ab- 
sent-mindedly about him. 

"Do you mean to say," bellowed the instructor, 
"that you do not know where your front is.''" 

"Yes, I know, sir," he replied. 

"Well, then, where is it.?" demanded the instructor. 

"Please, sir," he faltered, "it's gone to the laun- 
dry." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 61 

SUPERIOR MARKSMANSHIP 

Pat was a witty young recruit, who was taking in- 
struction in marksmanship. The squad had finished 
firing. Pat was brought to task for his poor shooting, 
and told that he must do better at the next distance; 
there were to be seven rounds of quick firing. 

"Now, Pat," the sergeant told him, "fire at target 
number five." 

Pat banged away, and hit target number four seven 
times in succession. 

"What target did you aim at.''" asked the irate 
officer. 

"Number five sor," answered Pat. 

"And you have hit number four every time." 

"Bedad, sor," retorted Pat, "that would be a grand 
thing in war. Sure, I might aim at a private and 
hit a gin'ral !" 

NOT A THIRST IN THE LOT 

A soldier, charged with being drunk and disorderly, 
mentioned, in extenuation of his off*ense, the fact that 
he had been compelled to travel up from camp in 
very bad company. 

"What sort of company .?" asked the magistrate. 

"A lot of teetotallers !" was the startling response. 

"Do you mean to say teetotallers are bad com- 
pany?" thundered the magistrate. "I think they are 
the best company for such as you !" 

"Beggin' your pardon, sor," answered the prisoner, 
"ye're wrong, for I had a bottle of whisky and I had 
to drink it all mesel'." 



62 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

HIS SKIRTS CLEAR 

A sturdy little Lancashire lad went to a recruiting 
station to enlist. 

He was much disappointed when the officer told 
him he was too small and too young. 

. "Can't you find me some j ob in th' army what I 
am big enough for.?" anxiously asked the lad. 

"No, I can't, I'm sorry to say," replied the officer. 

As the lad turned sorrowfully away he said : 

"Well, don't blame me if th' bloomin' Germans lick 
o' t' lot on yo'; that's all!" 

SHEEP AND GOATS 

Life in the new Army teaches a man to look after 
himself. This is especially true of the larger camps, 
and the rule appears to be that "they shall take who 
have the power and they shall keep who can." 

A story illustrative of this is told of one of the 
Yorkshire regiments now in training. The cold 
weather had led some of the men to forage for extra 
blankets one night, and when next morning they were 
warned that the colonel was coming round for kit 
inspection they were too busy cleaning and preparing 
to put matters right again. The result was that when 
the men paraded some of them had three or four blank- 
ets while others had no blanket at all. 

The colonel noticed this in his inspection, but said 
no word until he had been wholly round. Then, draw- 
ing himself up in front of the men, he thundered : — 

"Ahem, major, one-half the regiment are simple 
fools, and the other half are bloomin' thieves." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 68 

JOGGING HIS MEMORY 

Readers of the War news who have some difficulty 
in remembering where the Falkland Islands are may 
be helped by the recollection of one of Ian Maclaren's 
stories. After a disaster to an emigrant ship many 
years ago, some of the survivors reached those islands. 
When the news came home the minister of a Scot- 
tish church to which some of the emigrants had be- 
longed prayed thus : — 

"Oh, Lord, we pray Thee to be with our brethren, 
stranded in the Falkland Islands, which, as Thou 
knowest, are situated in the South Atlantic Ocean." 

WILLING TO COMPROMISE 

"Well, Tom, what d'ye think o' this prohibition 
business ?^^ 

"We ought to do like France and Russia." 

"You're givin' it all up, then.'*" 

"No; France is givin' up absent and Russia's 
givin' up vodka. So I'm not goin' to touch absent 
or vodka till peace comes. Give me beer." 

BRINGING IN THE NEW YEAR 

Seaforth Highlanders' Quaint Ceremony 
The Seaforth Highlanders, now at the front, have 
one of the most pecuHar New Year's Eve customs of 
the whole British Army. The ceremony is picturesque 
and imposing. 

On the night of Hogmanay, at about half -past ten, 
the regiment assembles in the barrack square. A few 
minutes later the oldest soldier in the battalion, dressed 



64 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

up as a druid, makes his appearance, to the accom- 
paniment of a flourish of trumpets, and ascending 
the improvised throne, he calls on the ancient veter- 
ans to show their uniforms and achievements of by- 
gone times. To the music of the pipes and brass band, 
veteran after veteran, arrayed in the uniforms worn 
by the regiment at different periods, marches past, 
and salutes the druid. The druid then toasts "The 
Seaforth Highlanders." 

After a display of Highland dancing, the alarm is 
sounded, and the second oldest soldier, arrayed as 
Father Time, approaches. The veterans now retreat, 
leaving their honors to be guarded by their successors, 
and Father Time expels the druid. 

At the last stroke of midnight a loud knock is heard 
at the gate, and out rings the sentry's challenge, 
"Halt! Who goes there.?" 

"The New Year!" comes back the answer. 

"Advance, New Year, and give the countersign !" is 
the next command. 

"Cabar feidth gu brath!" (the clan cry of the 
Mackenzies, i. e., the Seaforths). 

"Pass, New Year; all's well!" 

The gate is then opened, and the youngest boy of 
the battalion enters, dressed as the high chief of an- 
cient Ross, to represent the New Year. The colonel 
shakes hands with the boy, while the band strikes up 
"A Guid New Year to Ane and A'." 

After the colonel's greeting to the battalion the 
National Anthem is played, and the men fall out. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR Go 

A WOMAN'S WORRY 

Mrs. Barron was paying a visit to Mrs. Atkins, 
whose husband was away fighting at the front. The 
visitor found the soldier's wife in a pai:oxysm of grief. 

"Whatever is the matter .f^" exclaimed Mrs. Barron. 

"Aint yer heard?" was the sobbing reply. "Bill's 
in 'orspital with both 'is arms off." 

Mrs. Barron was obviously shocked. With a view 
to easing the grief, however, she said: 

"But the Government will be sure to provide for 
you." 

"That ain't it," was the tearful response. "Who's 
a-goin' to turn the mangle for me on washin' days 
now, I'd like ter know?" 

NOT SUPPLIES ENOUGH FOR TWO 

When a talk about the German invasion of England 
was going on, an Irish militiaman, stationed in Car- 
rickfergus, was heard to remark that immediately the 
enemy landed in England he would certainly bolt, 
taking a good stock of provisions, and hide in a 
convenient cave he knew of. 

The colonel, hearing of his unpatriotic resolve, 
called him out next day on parade, and lectured him 
severely on his cowardice. 

"You're a disgrace to the regiment and the Service 
at large," he cried. "Fancy you threatening to run 
away; but I'd be after you in quick time, my man, 
never fear." 

"Sure, an' you'd be welcome, your honor; but, 
bring yer own praties an' things, won't yer, colonel?" 



66 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

LOVE-LETTER TO A RED CROSS NURSE 

Somewhere in Europe, 
Some Day in December, 1915. 

My Dearest Nursie : I suppose I am the same chap 
who got drilled through the wing rib by a German 
bullet about a century since? That I haven't been 
in heaven, and, not being up to sample, have been 
shunted to hades? Don't mistake me, nursie. I'm 
jolly glad to have another go at the dog that bit me. 
But last time I left for the front I took my heart 
with me, and this time I have left it behind in old 
England. 

I owe the Germans a grudge, but I owe them a 
vote of thanks, too. They introduced us, nursie. I 
didn't know what living meant until I was wounded 
and met you. Wounded! Why, my dearest nursie, 
the wound you dressed so tenderly was a mere flea- 
bite to the one the first sight of you, a Red Cross 
angel, hovering about my bed, made bang through 
my heart. 

As you know, heart wounds are generally fatal — 
kill a chap as dead as pork; but, as I have already 
said, I have found it just the other way about. My 
heart wound has given me new life, new hope, new 
courage, a new and better manhood. 

I have always foolishly regarded women as the 
weaker sex, but great Kitchener! the Man Killers the 
Germans can produce and use are nothing to yours, 
either in range, number, or effectiveness. You take 
a man prisoner with one glance of your eyes, you put 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 67 

him hopelessly out of action with a quiver of your 
lip, you leave him dead to everything in earth or sky 
but your own sweet self with one touch of your dear 
hand, and you make him your eternal vassal and slave 
with the flicker of a smile. 

Melinite is a fool to the galvanic thrill the mere 
sound of your fairy footstep approaching my bed or 
my chair used to give me every morning. The Ger- 
man "Black Marias" are mere popguns to the bat- 
teries of your sweet eyes, masked at times by their 
fringed lashes. The German bayonets even at their 
best cannot begin to compete with the wounds your 
gentle tongue can inflict by a sharp rebuke, and a 
charge of Uhlans is nothing to the overwhelming 
charge of love which sweeps through the ranks of my 
heart when I think of you. 

But though I laid siege to your heart, and brought 
up all the guns and reinforcements I could muster, 
and although I pride myself on having, by your own 
confession, captured a few of the outer ring of forts, 
such as Friendship, Regard, Good Wishes, and Inter- 
est, yet I'm horridly afraid that your heart's real af- 
fections are still unconquered. 

Oh, nursie, I cannot believe that your heart is solid 
concrete. There's surely a soft core if I could only 
get at it. But you can't prevent me writing. It's 
raining in torrents, but rain cannot damp my ardor. 
The enemy is firing all his big guns at once, but they 
cannot drive your image from the deep trenches of 
my soul. There is an aeroplane overhead, but the 



68 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

chap in it does not feel half so uplifted as I do when 
I think of our last handshake — shall it be a kiss when 
We meet? — and he would not feel half so cast down, 
even if he were crashing to earth with a broken wing, 
as I shall if you do not reply soon. 

Nursie, say "Yes" for Christmas, there's a love! 
With my life's devotion, 

Your late patient and grateful convalescent, 

THOMAS ATKINS. 

P. S. — I think you are sufficiently interested in my 
welfare to be glad to hear that I received my com- 
mission yesterday, and that our colonel put me to 
shame before all the chaps by saying all sorts of bosh 
about a little job I did last week. 

P. P. S. — Nursie, a little word of three letters — 
three, mind — ^by return will make me prouder and 
happier than if I had been made a field-marshal. 

HOW HEROES ARE MADE 

The Germans came down in force upon a patrol of 
Lancers, who were obliged to retire. One man, how- 
ever, fell wounded in the thigh, and would have been 
captured had not a comrade turned back and brought 
him in under a heavy fire. 

"Well done, Mac," said his captain at the close of 
the fray ; "that was a plucky action of yours in bring- 
ing Private Johnson in under fire." 

"Weel, sir," rephed Mac, "ye see, he's the only 
box o' matches in the whole bloomin' troop^ an' what'd 
we do without cor wee bit smoke ?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 69 

ANNOUNCED HIS ARRIVAL 

The proud father had come up from the country 
to see his sailor son on board his ship. He had never 
seen a battleship before, and accordingly marvelled 
thereat. 

Just as he caught hold of the two ropes which hung 
over the side to assist sailors to the deck, he was some- 
w^hat surprised to hear a clanging of bells — ^the eight 
bells of seamen's time. 

As he stepped on deck he met the officer of the 
watch. He saluted hivsL and said, timidly: 

"I beg your pardon, sir, I've come to see my son 
Jack, but, 'pon my word, I didn't mean to ring so 
loud." 

STEPPED ON IT 

A certain Staffordshire regiment had a very small 
band; but the commanding officer's feet were — well, 
rather broad. One day the regiment was to march 
out on parade, but the music was not forthcoming. 

"Where on earth is the band.?" queried the ad- 
jutant. 

For some time there was no reply; but when the 
question was repeated, a gruff voice from the rear 
rank said: 

"I believe, sor, the colonel trod on it be accident !" 

KING ALBERT'S CHIVALRY 

Calls Husband to His Wife from Trenches 

A young Parisian lady, newly married to a French 

artillery officer who had fought through the battles 

of the Marne and the Aisne and is now at the Front 



70 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

in Flanders, determined to see her husband at all 
costs. 

She left Paris for Dunkirk and tried vainly at the 
French headquarters to secure a pass. She was, how- 
ever, not beaten. She travelled in a peasant's country 
cart and with many delays to the Belgian headquar- 
ters. 

Taking her courage in both hands, she explained 
her mission, gained access to the officers of the head- 
quarters staff, and put forward her request. 

The officers received her with great politeness, list- 
ened to her story sympathetically, and told her gently 
that what she asked was impossible. 

Just at that moment a tall young officer who had 
been intently studying a map turned to the lady. 
"Madame," he said, "you shall see your husband." 
Then he spoke for a few moments through the tele- 
phone, and, turning again to the young wife, said, 
"If you will wait a little while, your husband will 
come to you." 

With tears streaming down her cheeks she seized 
his hands and thanked him warmly for his kindness. 

Two hours later there was a joyous meeting be- 
tween the lady and her husband, who had been be- 
wildered by his sudden recall from the trenches In the 
midst of a battle. 

His wife explained how It had all come about, and 
described the officer through whose kindness the meet- 
ing had been made possible. 

"That was King Albert," said her husband. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 71 

FULLY QUALIFIED 

Quite recently a man appeared at the recruiting 
offices in Newcastle and stated to the officer in charge 
that he wished to enlist into His Majesty's Army. 

"Well, my man, what regiment do you prefer to 
join?" asked the officer. 

"Well," replied the recruit, "I should like to join 
the cavalry." 

"Cavalry," repeated the head of the recruiting de- 
partment. "All right, my man, do you know any- 
thing about horses.?" 

"Do I know anything about horses?" replied the 
would-be recruit, seriously. "Why, I backed a win- 
ner and two seconds yesterday!" 

A FINE SIGHT FOR THE HUNGRY 

The men of a certain regiment had made some com- 
plaints respecting the scarcity of food, but the col- 
onel, a strong believer in the go-away-from-the-table- 
hungry maxim, saw no grounds for increasing the 
supply. 

At last, however, the climax came. 

The gunnery instructor had one day been explain- 
ing to a squad of men the advantages of different 
sights, when the colonel appeared on the scene and 
began to ask questions on the subject. 

"Can any of you men tell me what a fine sight is ?" 

"Yes, sir," came the reply from a private. 

"Well, what is it?" 

The private saluted. "Two dinners, sir, on one 
plate," he cried. 



72 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

SERVIAN WOMEN 

There is no country in the world where women oc- 
cupy a more dignified or honored position in the home 
than Servia. The Servian idea is quite different from 
that of the Turk, who keeps his women behind shut 
doors, or the German, whose ideal woman is a good 
hausfrau. In Servia the woman is the companion of 
the man. 

A man is responsible for his unmarried sisters, and 
throughout the Balkan States it is considered rather 
a breach of etiquette for him to marry before his 
older sister. 

No Servian girl would feel she could hold up her 
head in society unless she could speak four languages. 
There is hardly a Servian woman who cannot play 
some musical instrument. Embroidery, painting, 
drawing and sculpture are all studied. 

Servian women are very domesticated, aind the high- 
est ladies pay personal attention to trivial matters 
of housekeeping. 

There are two women doctors practicing in Bel- 
grade, and women teachers galore. But public opin- 
ion on the whole is rather against women entering the 
labor market. 

SECOND THOUGHT BEST 

"Every time I see grandfather's sword and medals," 
said Bill, "I long to take part in a universal war." 
Then, as an afterthought, Bill said, "But every time' 
I look at grandfather's wooden leg I long for the ad- 
vent of universal peace." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 73 

PUNISHED FOR HIS NAME 

It was the drilling of a squad of recruits. The 
officer was calling the names, and prompt replies came 
from Jones and Smith and Robinson. 

The next name was Montaig — ^that was how the 
officer pronounced it. 

There was no reply. 

"Montaig," repeated the officer with emphasis. 

"Here, sir," came the half-hearted reply from the 
rear rank. 

"Why didn't you answer at once?" said the man 
in charge. 

"My name is Montague," said the recruit. 

"Is it?" replied the officer. "Well, you do seven 
days' fatigew." 

THEIR OWN PRIVATE WARFARE 

One day recently a colonel in a newly-recruited 
North-country battalion had occasion to reprimand 
severely one of his men. Next day, passing this same 
recruit, who was doing sentry duty, the colonel ob- 
served he did not receive the usual salute. After in- 
tentionally passing him a second and third time with 
the same omission each time on the part of the sentry, 
the following conversation took place: — 

Colonel — "Do you know who I am?" 

Recruit— "Yes." 

Colonel — "Do you not know you ought to salute 
me, or any other officer when he passes you?" 

Recruit — "Aye ; but then thee and me fell out yes- 
terday." 



74 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

A BIT OF RUSSIAN WIT 
Aide-de-Camp to Grand Duke Nicholas — "We have 
just captured a motor-car containing a German of 
very high rank. We think it is the Kaiser." 

Grand Duke — "For heaven's sake release him at 
once. He is our best asset in the field. He always 
gives the wrong instructions and interferes at the 
wrong moment." 

ARMORED CANADIAN SOLDIERS 

Like knights of old, the Canadian troops for the 
front are equipped with armor. It is in the form 
of a spade, to be carried on the back when not in use, 
to be used for digging trenches when not wanted for 
protective purposes, and to act as a shield and rifle- 
rest when the fighting begins. 

There is an oval hole in the middle of the blade 
of the spade. Through this hole the soldier pokes 
his rifle, just as the archers in the old days used nar- 
row niches in the walls of a castle. 

Although the spade weighs only four pounds, and 
can be carried on marches with ease, it is practically 
bullet-proof. For hours at Valcartier Camp Ser- 
geant Hawkins, the King's prize-winner, potted at 
the spades with his rifle, but it was not until he shot 
at 200 yards with Mark 7 ammunition that the spades 
were damaged at all. Then they were only cracked. 

Bullets just shattered against the shields and fell 
back, shapeless. A company of the 1st Royal Mon- 
treal Regiment fired volleys at the spades, without 
piercing them. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 75 

TRYING HARD TO GET BY 

A recruit, well known for his "strategy" when seek- 
ing a holiday, went to the doctor and asked for a 
note, as he said he was ill. The doctor could not find 
anything wrong with him, but gave him a note, and 
just marked a stroke where the nature of complaint 
should be. He went to the chief officer with the note 
and asked for leave. The officer took the note, looked 
at it, and then said (for he looked puzzled): 

"What is this you are suffering from.? I can't tell." 

Then our friend took the note, looked at it, and 
confidently replied: 

"Can't you see, sir, that it's a stroke I'm suffering 
from.?" 

ONLY ONE ROCK 

At a certain British club the other day the possi- 
bility of providing soldiers with some form of bul- 
let-proof protection was being discussed. 

"Those bullet-proof shields are an insult to 'Tom- 
my's' dignity, gentlemen," inveighed a retired mili- 
tary man, whose oft-boasted achievements no living 
person had ever seen recorded. 

"What do they want with such feminine acces- 
sories? When I was out in India my force faced a 
galling fire for two hours, and there was no shelter 
but a little rock for miles ; yet though hundreds fell 
on every side of me, I came off without a scratch." 

"That's an argument in favor of shields," quietly 
commented a fellow-clubman. "If there had been 
more rocks some of the men might have escaped too." 



76 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

SOUNDS LIKE A TOWN 

Fogarty (a moderate drinker) : "I'll bet ye th' 
Rooshians are beginnin' t' feiel th' loss iv vodka." 

Flaherty (warmly) : "Don't ye lose any slape over 
it. Mar-rk me wur-ruds, they'll retake it agin be- 
fore long !" 

THE BISHOP'S PRISONER 

The Bishop of London discharges his duties in 
camp as the chaplain of the London Rifle Brigade 
very thoroughly. One morning a number of men 
were out scouting, and a recruit, very well up in his 
drill, took advantage of passing through a wood to 
loiter behind and have a surreptitious "smoke" be- 
hind a clump of trees. He was discovered by the 
bishop, v/ho, as chaplain, is, of course, an officer of 
the regiment. 

The bishop gave the rifleman a good wigging as 
to his dereliction of duty, and reminded him that 
he ought really to be the bishop's prisoner. The 
rifleman stood at the salute, and, expressing his peni- 
tence, the off^ense was overlooked. 

The rifleman, who stands well over six feet, in tell- 
ing the story, says, "That's the second time I have 
been personally addressed by the bishop. The first 
time was some ten years ago, when I was top boy in 
our parish church choir, and after a service the bishop 
patted me on the shoulder and commended me for my 
solo singing ! I little thought then that the day would 
come when I should be his Lordship's prisoner for my 
solo smoking." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 77 

NECESSARY PRECAUTION 
He was a very raw recruit, and was paying his 
first visit to the riding school. He was allotted a 
horse; but it was obvious, from the nervous way he 
handled the animal, that he had never been on horse- 
back before. When the instructor came up the recruit 
pointed to the girth. 

"What's it got that strap round it for.^" he asked. 
"Ah !" exclaimed the instructor, with mock admira- 
tion, "Fancy you noticing that. You see, that horse 
has a terrible keen sense of humor, an' he's subject to 
sudden bursts of laughter at some of the recruits he 
gets; so we puts that band round him to keep him 
from bursting his sides." 

STOPPING THE DONKEY 

He was instructing some recruits in the mysteries 
of marching movements. After explaining and illus- 
trating his remarks several times he approached one 
recruit, looked at him silently for a couple of sec- 
onds, then demanded his name. 

"Fitzgerald, sorr," was the answer. 

"Did you ever drive a donkey, Fitzgerald.?" was 
his next inquiry. 

"Yes, sorr," was the man's reply. 

"What did you say when you wanted him to stop ?" 

"Whoa." 

The sergeant turned away and immediately put his 
squad in motion again. The men advanced a dozen 
yards or so, when he rasped out: 

"Squad, halt! Whoa, Fitzgerald !" 



78 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

ONE ON SCOTTY 

Some friends were in a restaurant the other day 
discussing the war, when a Scotsman at the next table 
remarked : 

"The Alleys are doing verra weel, ar-ren't they?" 

One^ thinking to be smart, said: 

"The Alleys ! Whom do you mean ?" 

"Why," said the Scotsman, "the French and the 
Scotch, of course." 

At this the friends roared with laughter. 

"Aye, you can laugh !" said the Scot. "But I saw 
my mistake as soon as I spoke. I should have said the 
Scotch and the French." 

DEFYING THE KAISER 

In a fit of impatience because the speed of his 
yacht was slowed down on entering a certain harbor, 
the German Emperor on one occasion tried to assert 
his authority, and rang the bell for "Full speed 
ahead." To his great surprise, the pilot, an old Nor- 
wegian named Nordhuns, who knew the dangerous 
character of the channel, placed himself in the way, 
and, leaning over the wheel, called down the tube to 
the engine-room, "Half-speed ahead. Never mind the 
bell!" 

"What! You dare to countermand my orders.?" 
cried the Kaiser, again ringing the bell. 

"Disregard the bell," calmly repeated Nordhuns 
through the tube. 

For a moment the Kaiser glared at the intrepid 
pilot, and then, drawing himself up to his full height, 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 79 

said, majestically, "Go below, sir, and report yourself 
under arrest." 

"Leave the bridge!" thundered the Norwegian, 
grimly, as he grasped the wheel more firmly. "This 
ship is in my charge, and I'll have no interference 
with my orders from Kaiser or seaman!" 

The officers on deck hurried silently aft, wishing 
luck to the sturdy old sea-dog, who, knowing that 
he had the law as well as common sense on his side, 
stood at his post unshaken by threats, unheeding com- 
mands, and steered the Hohenzollern safely into port. 

The next day the Kaiser came to his senses, and 
decorated the pilot — the king at the wheel — with one 
grade of the Order of the Black Eagle, and also ap- 
pointed him his life pilot in Norwegian waters. 

TEMPERATURE 120° 

Private Tommy Sims had had pneumonia, and had 
been for some time in hospital, where they treated 
him so well that he was much averse to the prospect 
of being discharged as "cured." One day the doc- 
tor was taking his temperature, and v/hile Tommy 
had the thermometer in his mouth the doctor moved 
on, and happened to turn his back. Tommy saw his 
chance. He pulled the thermometer out of his mouth 
and popped it into a cup of hot tea, replacing it at 
the first sign of the medico's turning. When that 
worthy examined the thermometer he looked first at 
Tommy and then back at the thermometer and gasped : 

"Well, my man, you're not dead, but you ought 
to be!" 



80 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

BUT PERHAPS HE CAN DIG TRENCHES 

The subaltern was being put through an examina- 
tion in geography, wherein he proved himself aston- 
ishingly ignorant. At last, after a failure on his part 
of unusual flagrance, the examiner scowled at him and 
thundered: — ' 

"Idiot, you want to defend your country, and you 
don't know where it is !" 

LATEST SCOUTING STORY 

One of the most dangerous duties a scout is called 
upon to perform in war-time is that of ascertaining 
whether some particular position is or is not occupied 
by the enemy's forces. Every scout has his own 
methods of working, but the first thing each does is 
generally to attempt to trap the hidden men into be- 
traying their position. 

The other day a British scout, who, previous to 
the outbreak of war, had been a well-known man 
about town, was told to examine a little wood on the 

right bank of the . He went forward and 

tried all the usual artifices, including the somewhat 
threadbare one of pretending to gallop away in alarm, 
but in vain. Not a German showed himself. Yet the 
scout was not satisfied, and suddenly a bright thought 
struck him. He advanced a few paces and, jingling 
some loose silver in his pocket, roared out: 

"Waiter! Get me a taxi!" 

"Yessir! Cert'n'y, sir!" came the reply from some 
twenty or thirty German soldiers. Force of habit, 
had proved too much for bonds of discipline. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 81 

CHINESE SYMPATHY 

The other day a British reservist hving in Montreal 
with his wife and family received the call to join the 
colors immediately. He decided to take his wife and 
children to England to stay during his absence. He 
found the most convenient arrangement would mean 
leaving Montreal the following day. But it was mid- 
week, and the family wash was at the Chinaman's. 
The lady went over to the laundry. The "boys" 
shook their heads — the wash would not be sorted out 
before Saturday. But just then the boss laundry- 
man came in. 

"Your husband going to the war? Velly brave 
man. Me work all night to get your laundry." 

Next morning it was brought home by the "boss" 
himself. 

"How much?" 

"Nothing. Your husband go to the war. If you 
stay here all winter me wash all the clothes for the 
family. Not a cent." 

GIVING HIM A SEND-OFF 

A curious incident was witnessed in a tram-car in 
a Yorkshire town a day or two back. Two women 
were seated side by side in earnest conversation. 

"So tha's been to see him off?" said one. 

"Aye," replied the other. "Ah've been to see him 
off. Eh, dear, but I didna know what to say to him. 
So I says, 'Well, good-bye, old lad,' I says, 'an if tha 
thoomps t' Kaiser as tha's thoomped me he'll be sorry 
he went to war !' " 



82 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

SHE KNEW BY EXPERIENCE 

"Some of our cannon are disappearing," remarked 
the lieutenant. 

"Well, things will disappear when you have care- 
less help," responded the lady who was going over 
the fort. "I find that a great trouble about keeping 
house." 

WHERE WAR IS NOT HELL 

Chatty Neighbor — "I suppose you don't stand for 
any war arguments among your boarders.?" 

Boarding House Mistress — "O, yes. You see, our 
biggest eater gets so interested that he forgets to eat 
and our next biggest eater gets so mad that he leaves 
before the meal is half over." 

FEROCITY EXPLAINED 

Bill — "I read as 'ow that 'ere 'Indenburg 'as got 
an English wife." 

Alf — "Ah, that accounts for 'is fightin' like 'e 
does." 

COULDN'T BE SCOTCH 

Barman — "Strikes me, there's one o' these blooming 
German spies in the smoke-room, sir. 'E's bragging 
about bein' a Scotsman, and the whisky I took 'im a 
quarter of an hour ago 'e ain't even touched yet." 

HARDLY HIS FAULT 

Officer (severely) — "Is this rifle supposed to have 
been cleaned?" 

Recent Recruit — "Well, sir — yes. But you know 
what these servant gals are!" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 83 

THE GERMANS ABASHED 

A British naval officer, home on short leave, told a 
North Sea story. "We had taken some prisoners 
aboard, three of them officers ; one of their torpedoes 
had missed us by nearly ten feet. 

"We made the officers as comfortable as we could, 
gave them food and drink, and talked about ordinary 
general matters ; hardly a word was said about the 
fight. 

"The Germans seemed ill at ease, suspicious. At 
last one of them said, 'We don't understand you 
treating us like this. We tried to torpedo you.' 

" *0h, that's all right ; that's over now,' said a navi- 
gating lieutenant, handing him a cigarette. 

"'We'd like to show you that we appreciate your 
goodness,' went on the German. 

"There was a long pause. Then the lieutenant 
burst in with great cheerfulness, 'Well, sing us the 
"Plymn of Hate." ' 

"That was one of the rare moments when I have 
seen German officers look abashed." 

LOCATING PROGRESS 

As a young man was walking along reading the 
evening newspaper he was accosted by an old lady 
who seemed interested in the war. 

"Any news from the front, young man.''" she ex- 
claimed. 

"Not much," he repHed. "Big battle in progress." 

"Well, thank heaven," she said, "that it's not in 
Belgium, where my poor Johnnie is gone." 



84 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

HOW I ESCAPED FROM BERLIN 

Supposed to Be Written by Mrs. Malaprop 

'Tis very easy to ask me for an account of my 
escape from Berlin, but when one has been hustled 
and fluted and prosecuted as I have, it is a wonder 
that one's brain is not totally disinterred. However, 
in spite of my adventitious experiments, I am still, 
thank heaven ! compote mentis, and can give a strictly 
voracious prescription of my suif erings. Like Othello, 
I will "nothing exterminate, nor set up aught in 
malice." 

You may require what I was doing in the great 
Prussian necropolis. The fact is that after the fa- 
tigues of the season I found myself somewhat inter- 
posed. I am the last person to give way to a fit of 
the vapors, but my enemy, the gout, had made such 
invidious advances and become so chrom^atic that I 
was advised to go and reciprocate under the care of 
a prominent Berlin physician. Despite the diversion 
which I naturally feel for all Germans, I must admit 
that his treatment and regiment proved beneficent — 
though his fees were exuberant — and I was rapidly 
recovering when the declaration of war burst upon 
us like a cataplasm. 

Berlin was at once in a state of convolution. The 
streets were crowded with people in a very succulent 
humor, waving flags, singing typical songs, and 
shouting remarks which deluded recognition, as my 
knowledge of the language is merely superfluous. Any 
attempt at leaving the house was not only fertile but 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 85 

periculous, as Englishmen were subjugated to various 
forms of contumacy, either because the poHce were 
useless or with their secret contrivance. 

I protest I never saw such a panharmonium ! For- 
eign residents had their windows stoned, and abstained 
many cuts and confusions from the missals. The 
proprietor of our boarding-house was not actually 
indolent, but treated me in a very caviare 'manner, 
advising me to speak no English. Even neuters, he 
told me, were being distrained to stimulate a factious 
enthusiasm for the Kaiser. 

Next day an official arrived. He asked me if I was 
English. "Sir," I replied, "I am no camellia, chang- 
ing my colors to suit my surroundings." I think he 
hardly depreciated my semaphore; he merely told me 
to pack my trunks in readiness to leave Berlin at a 
certain hour next day. After another sleepless night 
passed in anxious participations, four of us were con- 
voyed to the station in a closed vehicle and left for 
hours on a platform crowded to supplication with 
fugitives. Some of the women wept quietly, while 
others gave way to historical outbursts. They gave 
us nothing but water, and I was induced to eating 
some digestible chocolate caravans produced by my 
maid. 

At last the aliens' train arrived; but we were at 
the back of the crowd, and you may imagine my 
constellation when I discovered that every department 
had its full quotient of passengers. Seizing a pass- 
ing official, I exclaimed: "Thou transcendental 



86 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

Triton, is it thus that the confidential visitors, whose 
gold gorges the coffins of thy treasury, and who pa- 
tiently suffer the ubiquitous distortions of thy greedy 
countrymen, are rewarded? Fie, sir! It is larceny 
—tyranny — ^barometry of the vilest conscription !" 

He seemed puzzled, and said, roughly: "Are you 
Suffer-gette?" 

"Sir/' I replied, "I will endure no more obliquity. 
I will say no more. I refuse to omit another syl- 
labus." 

He called another official, and after a long discur- 
sion, during which they regarded me very strangely, 
frequently tapping their foreheads, they had a horse- 
box corrected to the train, into which my maid and 
I were inducted, attended by a German female. I 
passed the journey in a sort of comma, and eventually 
reached England, which it is my firm resolution never 
to leave again. 

PERMANENTLY POSTPONED 

The Irish Guards were holding a position at Ypres, 
and flying bullets were the order of the day. The 
Germans endeavored to break through, and after a 
particularly brisk volley Private Flynn was heard to 
shout : — 

"Murder of wars, I'm done now altogether!" 

"Why, have you been hit?" shouts Captain P . 

"Not entoirely hit, sir," shouts Flynn; "but I've 
been waiting this ten minutes for a smoke from Mur- 
tagh's pipe, and by the powers they've just shot it 
out iv his mouth." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 87 

UNINTENTIONAL LIMITATION 

The vicar of S is very patriotic, and has 

done a great deal of recruiting in his own and the 
adjoining parishes. He is also very absent-minded. 
This was never so forcibly brought home to him as 
on the occasion of the young squire's wedding. The 
squire's regiment was leaving almost immediately for 
the front, consequently the wedding attracted more 
than ordinary interest, and the little church was 
crowded to its utmost capacity. 

The ceremony proceeded without a hitch, the mo- 
mentous words had been spoken by the vicar, and re- 
peated by the bridegroom . . . "take thee, 
Phyllis, to my wedded wife," when the congregation 
w^ere astounded by the next words from the vicar, "for 
three years or the duration of the war." 

NOTHING NEW TO HIM 

It was company field-training. The captain saw 
a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a 
badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how 
to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: 

"Look at the time you are wasting. When I was 
on the West Coast I often had to hunt my breakfast. 
I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my 
food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and re- 
turn to the camp under the half -hour." Then he un- 
wisely added, "Of course, you have heard of the West 
Coast.?" 

"Yes, sir," repHed the young soldier, "and also 
of Ananias and Baron Munchausen, too." 



88 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

ENGLISH HUMOR 

Bill — **Have you heard about the Prince of 
Wales?" 

Nell— "No. What of His Royal Highness?" 

Bill — "Well, he had a fall, and remained uncon- 
scious for some hours." 

Nell— "Oh, poor Prince!" 

Bill — "But I am happy to say when His Royal 
Highness came to himself he v/as none the worse." 

Nell— "How did it happen?" 

Bill — "In this way (not officially denied) : It was 
very late on Monday ; he fell — asleep in his bed !" 

NOT A CARUSO 

"Proud of 'im, I am," announced an old lady, 
whose son had just enlisted, to a knot of friends in 
the village street. "Always done 'is duty by me, 'e 'as, 
an' now 'e's doin' 'is duty by King an' country. I 
feel right down sorry for them poor Germans to 
think of 'im goin' into battle with 'is rifle in 'is 'and 
an' 'It's a long way to Tipperary' on 'is lips." 

"Poor Germans, indeed!" exclaimed one of her au- 
dience. "Pity's wasted on 'em. P'r'aps you 'aven't 
'eard of their cruelties?" 

"P'r'aps I 'aven't," agreed the old lady, "an' p'r'aps 
you 'aven't 'eard George sing!" 

IN WAR TIME 

Short-sighted Customer — "Aren't you making your 
rolls a little larger these days, Mr. Baker?" 
"What! R-r-rolls? Them's loaves!" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 89 

GAVE THE SNAP AWAY 

Amongst some recruits waiting to be passed by the 
doctor for a Tyneside battalion was a miner from a 
local colliery, a fine strapping youth. After a good 
man}'' had been examined, it came to Geordie's turn, 
and everyone present thought him a likely recruit. 
The doctor, after looking at Geordie's teeth, remarked 
sadly : — 

"I'm sorry, my lad, I cannot pass you ; your teeth 
are too bad." 

"Wey, if this isn't a licker," replied Geordie. "Ye 
passed th' same teeth yisterday wi' Bill Smith, an' 
we both borrowed them." 

WITHOUT PRECEDENT 

A certain Yorkshire soldier, who was badly wounded 
in the jaw at Mons by a German bullet, was, on his 
return home, relating to an interested group how his 
company tackled the enemy when the order to charge 
was given. 

"Bullets was flyin' like snowflakes," he said; "an' 
lots o' our chaps was hit." 

"Weel, Tommy," interrupted one of his listeners, 
"couldn't ye hear t' bullets whizzin' an' makin' a noise 
as they was comin' along, an' so be able to get out 
o' their way ?^^ 

Tommy gave the inquirer a withering look, then 
replied : 

"Nay, lad, we couldn't hear 'em comin', becos them 
bullets was Dum-Dum 'uns ; an' did anybody ever 
hear of aught that was dumb makin' a noise?" 



90 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

AN AGREEABLE MISTAKE 

The soldier of four months was recounting his ex- 
perience of "living on the country" in an Eastern 
county. He and a comrade had been dispatched with 
a motor-car to perform a certain mission. After trav- 
eling a considerable distance they sighted an inn sign, 
and, running the car into the yard at the rear, alighted 
and entered by a back door. A picturesque dame ap- 
peared, to whom the bluff and hearty spokesman said : 

"Now, mother, is there anything to eat?" 

"Well, you can have some nice cold beef, and if 
you like to wait half an hour I'll cook you some po- 
tatoes and a cauliflower." 

"Ah! Worth waiting for, that is, mother! 
Right-o !" said the soldier. 

She smiled approvingly, and told them to go into 
her own parlor. In due course they were bidden to 
the feast, over which they were glad to have her pre- 
side, for she talked very entertainingly. Eventually 
the spokesman broached the question of payment. 

"Now, then, mother, how much do we owe you, 
please .f*" 

"Oh, nothing! I'm sure I've been very glad to have 

you." 

"But, look here ! I'd never have come in ordering 
stuff to eat without expecting to pay for it. You 
know you can't keep a 'pub.' open on dinners for 
naught! Now, can you, mother.?" 

"No, I can't, my dear lad! I don't try to. This 
isn't the pub. It's the house next door !" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 91 

INCONSIDERATE BEGGAR 
"What do you think?" exclaimed Mrs. Twobble. 
"While the Belgian Relief Committee was holding an 
important meeting yesterday afternoon in my draw- 
ing-room a ragged woman came to the house and 
asked for food. She had a baby in her arms, too!" 
"What did you do ?" asked Mrs. Gadson. 
"Sent her about her business, of course! I wag 
reading my report to the committee and had no time 
to bother with stray beggars." 

WHAT THE PILOT KNEW 

Owing to the safeguards which the Admiralty have 
placed at the entrance to all large British seaports, 
it is now compulsory for all outward-bound and in- 
coming vessels to be under the charge of a Govern- 
ment pilot. 

A few weeks ago a Sunderland collier was anchored 
outside the Humber waiting for his pilot, and inci- 
dentally chafing at the delay. 

Eventually the pilot was shipped and the safe chan- 
nel entered for Hull, when the captain rather sarcas- 
tically remarked: "Do you know where the mines 
are.?" 

"No," replied the pilot, "I do not." 

"What! you've taken over my ship and you don't 
know.? Well, I might just as well have brought the 
ship in myself." 

The pilot smiled indulgently upon the enraged skip- 
per and said: "Aye, captain, 'tis true I don't know 
where the mines are, but I know where they are not." 



92 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

IT WORKED ALL RIGHT 

All the work was mapped out for the new char- 
woman, but about the appointed time she arrived in 
tears. 

"My poor 'usband was shot in the battle," she said, 
"and 'e's passed away." 

The employer was all sympathy, gave the widow 
the half-crown she ought to have earned, and did the 
necessary work herself. 

The next day she met the neighbor who recom- 
mended the woman, and said: 

"You've heard, I suppose, about Mrs. W.'s husband 
being killed .f"' 

"Yes," said her friend. "But she ought to have 
got over it by now. It was in the Boer war." 

GERMAN GIRLS CAN KNIT 
A certain Landwehrman had received his hundredth 
pair of warm woolen stockings knit by fair hands. 

"Fritz must be a regular Don Juan," said one of his 
less fortunate comrades. 

"No," said another, a fellow-townsman of the ac- 
cused. "No, it isn't that. The fact is, Fritz, before 
the war came, was teacher in a girls' school." 

BLOCKHEAD, EH? 

Sergeant — "Now, then, don't you know how to hold 

a rifle.?" 

Recruit — "I've run a splinter in me finger." 
Sergeant (exasperated) — "Oh, you 'ave, 'ave you? 

Bin scratchin' yer 'ead, I suppose?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 93 

HIS SOLE REASON 

As the sergeant was bawling out his orders and 
watching the hne of feet as the raw recruits endeav- 
ored to obey the word of command, he found to his 
astonishment that one pair of feet — more noticeable 
on account of their extra large size — never turned. 

Without taking his eyes off these feet the sergeant 
bawled out, "About turn!" 

He could see that all the feet except those he 
watched turned in obedience. Rushing up to the 
owner, a little fellow, he seized him by the shoulder, 
shouting : 

"Why don't you turn with the rest.^^" 

"Why, I did," replied the trembling recruit. 

"You did, eh.^ Well, I watched your feet, and 
they never moved." 

"It's the boots they gave me, sir," said the poor 
fellow. "They're so large that when I turn my feet 
turns in them." 

IGNORANCE IS BLISS 

The two servants met in the tram. 

"Does this war they're talking so much about make 
much difference to you.^" 

"The missus says we've got to economize, so we've 
to have margarine at meals in the kitchen." 

"Doesn't she have it, then.?" 

"Not her. She says it doesn't suit her digestion. 
But there's nothing wrong with her digestion. We 
know that. For as often as not we send her up the 
margarine and have the butter ourselves." 



94 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

STROKE OF LUCK 

A story is current that a certain colonel of a British 
regiment offered to give a sovereign for every Ger- 
man killed by any of his men. 

It happened shortly after this that a sergeant and 
a private were out spying around, and took different 
points for observation. 

After a while the private crawled up to the sergeant 
with a look of suppressed excitement on his face, and 
in a tense whisper said : 

"Here's a fine piece of luck for us, sergeant! 
There's four thousand Germans over yonder, and 
there's only you and me for 'em. Won't we rake some 
quids in now.^^" 

SPECIMEN WANTED 

Mr. Horace Wyndham has published a book on 
his military experiences, in which he quotes the reply 
of an Egyptian clerk to a demand for 1,000 rations 
for a Middlesex Regiment. 

"Honorable Sir — Estimable telegram to hand, but 
not understood. Male sex I know well; ditto female 
sex. Middlesex, however, not familiar. Please send 
specimen." 

A LONE EXCEPTION 

He was a new recruit home on leave. 

"Halloa," said a friend, "how are you going on.? 
Applied for a commission yet.?" 

"Not me. All the rest in my battalion are sending 
in their names, I think; but I say that a regiment 
needs at least one regular, steady private." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 95 

CLEVER EXPEDIENT 

During a sham fight which constituted part of a 
certain infantry battahon's training for the war a 
company was told off to follow up the retreating 
"enemy." For this purpose the pursuers, who had 
been having a strenuous time, had to cross a fairly 
wide river, and were marched to the nearest bridge, 
which was about four miles away. Imagine their dis- 
appointment on arriving to find this notice attached 
to the bridge by the "enemy :" 

"This bridge is blown up." 

But the officer in command of the pursuers was a 
man of action, and promptly attached another notice 
to one of his leading men and proceeded to march 
them across the bridge. They had almost crossed 
it, when an umpire suddenly appeared, frantically 
waving his hands and exclaiming : 

"This bridge is blown up; all these men are 
drowned !" 

The commanding officer made no reply, but simply 
pointed to his notice, which read: 

"This company is swimming across !" 

WHICH WOULD YOU PATRONIZE? 

It was Saturday night, and the rival butchers were 
shouting against each other. 

" 'Ere's a pieoe of beef," shouted one, "any price 
yer like. No war prices here." 

The other was equal to the occasion. 

"Come 'ere," he shouted. "Don't 'ave piece at any 
price; have piece with honor." 



96 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

SARCASTIC OLD VET. 

A man in the Veteran Reserves was called up 
recently. 

After a week at his new quarters he was brought 
up before the officer commanding for not cleaning his 
rifle one day. Said the officer commanding: — 

"Hem, you're an old soldier re-enlisted, I see. I 
suppose it will be many years ago since you were 
reprimanded ? What was your last offence ? Can 
you remember what it was?" 

Old Soldier (with irony on account of the repeated 
assertions to his age) : "For not cleanin' me bow an' 
arrow, sir!" 

BROTHERLY REPARTEE 

A cricket match was taking place near a German 
internment camp. Many were the comments on the 
game. 

One of the British soldiers who had taken part in 
the game turned to a German officer, and asked what 
he thought of the game and the British cricketers. 

"Oh," he said, "they're very good, but we Germans 
can beat you on the battlefield." 

"Oh, I suppose you get the most 'runs' there!" 
said the soldier. 

MADE IN GERMANY 

Chaplain (in French town near the Front) — "I 
have been working so hard of late that I feel rather 
run down. I must try a tonic." 

Soldier— "Why not try a glass of lager?" 

Chaplain (badly shocked)— "Oh, that's Teutonic!" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 97 

WOLSELEY'S WAY 

One of the neatest stories of how a miUtary officer 
can do the right thing without sacrifice of dignity is 
related of the man who afterwards became Comman- 
der-in-Chief of the British Army. He was sitting in 
a high-toned tap-room of DubKn, where privates were 
not permitted the privilege of the bar. Two finely- 
built men of a dragoon regiment, wearing long-service 
stripes, entered and called for drinks, which were 
curtly refused them. They turned without a word 
and were retiring in good order. 

"Halt!" came sharply from the officer in civilian's 
clothes. From sheer force of habit the soldiers obeyed 
and faced about. 

"I can purchase what I want here, I suppose .?" said 
the officer as he advanced to the bar. 

"Certainly, sir." 
' "Then serve these two gentlemen with what they 
want," and there was a pleasant emphasis on the title. 
"Gentlemen, will you drink with me.f^" 

"With pleasure, sir," and the happy compact was 
carried out. Then the dragoons courteously inquired 
the name of the gentleman who had thrown out the 
life-line, as it were. 

"My name is Wolseley — Colonel Wolseley," with 
a smile. 

Two pairs of heels went together with a click, two 
brawny arms went up in salute, and the soldiers de- 
parted amid the applause of all who had witnessed 
the scene. 



98 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

IGNORED HIMSELF 

During camp parade of the buglers the other day 
an Irish corporal was in charge. He was asked by 
the C. O. if all the buglers were present, when he re- 
plied : 

*'No, sorr ; one man absent." 

"Well, then," said the C. 0. ; "go and find him, and 
ask what he has to say for himself." 

A few minutes later Pat came running back, and 
shouted : 

"Shure, sorr, and weren't we a pair of duffers not 
to know it.P It wor meself. Bedad, sorr, Oi forgot 
to call me own name, entoirely, sorr!" 

ANOTHER ANXIETY 

"I have some astonishing news for you, Maria," 
said Brown. "In addition to the war, England is 
on the eve of a great strike, in which thousands upon 
thousands of hands will be involved." 

"What a dreadful thing!" ejaculated his unsus- 
pecting victim. "When is it to take place.?" 

"This very night, my dear," answered Brown, 
gravely. "At midnight thousands of clock hands will 
point to the hour, and it will strike twelve." 

ONE QUALIFICATION 

Visitor (leaving inn, after sleepless night) : "I 
suppose you don't happen to be a German.?" 
• Landlord: "Do I look like it.?" 

Visitor: "No; but I thought I'd just ask, because 
my room last night had a concrete bed in it." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 99 

GREAT DEEDS I HAVE DONE IN THE 
GREAT WAR 

Supposed to Be Written by an Old British Soldier 
After the Style of Baron Munchausen 

I venture to set down some of my deeds in the 
great war, both as a proof of my courage and verac- 
ity, and in order to demonstrate the value of resource- 
fulness in the conduct of military adventures. 

Our company — I being then a private — disembarked 

at , in France, and were at once sent to 

the front. I was immediately selected to go out for 
the purpose of obtaining information of the enemy's 
movements, and I set out determined to perform that 
task at all costs. Unfortunately a Taube aeroplane 
scouting overhead espied me, despite my disguise — a 
small hayrick on my hat — and dropped a bomb, which, 
though f aihng to strike me, burst near with such force 
that it blew me into the air about twenty feet high, 
and the Taube swooping down, its pilot caught me 
by the breeches with a hook suspended on a rope. I 
hung beneath that aeroplane for three days, with a 
most exhausting backache, and it was not till the 
night of the third day that I succeeded in climbing 
up the rope and killing the pilot ; but then, the petrol 
being all consumed, I was obliged to land in the Ger- 
man lines. There I was captured, and forced to re- 
main in the firing-line. This, however, proved to be 
my good fortune, for, determined to perform my 
task, I had recourse to a most extraordinary ruse to 
escape. As soon as I was unobserved, I twined my- 
self about a big shell, and was put into the gun at 



100 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR ^^ 

the next loading. The shot was a good one, and, 
rendered invisible by the dense smoke, I rode on the 
shell across the German and British lines, and landed 
safely at the feet of my general, whom I was able 
to supply with valuable information. For this deed 
I was awarded the D. S. O. (Distinguished Suspension 
Order). 

The following day we were ordered to march to 

, and hold it against the expected attack of 

the Germans. The village was fifty miles away, and 
we had but twelve hours for the journey. The pace 
proved too much for my brave comrades, and one 
after another they dropped out, till none was left 
save myself and the captain, whom I carried the last 
ten miles on my back, together with the rifles and 
ammunition of twelve of my comrades. Reaching the 
village, we" requisitioned two houses, one at each end. 
In one I took my stand with six rifles, in the other 
the captain did likewise. Within an hour the Ger- 
mans attacked both positions in overwhelming force. 
After two hours' violent fighting those on my side 
drew off^ to re-form, and I immediately raced across 
to the captain's house, just in time to repel a des- 
perate charge. Then I returned to the encounter on 
my side, and these movements I repeated five times 
during the night, till at dawn the rest of the com- 
pany came to our assistance. I had thirty-five bullet 
wounds, but none of them being in a vital part, I de- 
sired the doctors to remove the bullets at once, so 
that I might continue my duties. My great feet on 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 101 

this occasion gained me the Order of the B.O.O.T. 
(Best of Our Transports). 

But on one more occasion I was able to serve my 
country in an exceptional manner. Our wireless op- 
erator, ordered to signal "Advance to Nancy," his 
mind being filled with another name, sent "Advance 
to Lil," to the French general. Discovering his mis- 
take, he was unable to correct it, for a shell shattered 
his instrument. Quick as thought I flung off my coat 
and ran like the wind to the French headquarters, 
five miles away, arriving exactly one and a half sec- 
onds before the message, just in time to take off my 
hat and hold it in the way of the oncoming message, 
which hit it with such force as to knock me backwards. 
Thus I saved a ghastly mistake. At the conclusion 
of war I was for this exploit made a corporal, and 
decorated with the Order K. C. B. (Kamarftellem 
Cops the Bun). 

WASTED SYMPATHY 
Whilst making some purchases in a village shop in 
Scotland the other day, an excited inhabitant rushed 
in with the news : — 

"Tam Henry's gaun awa' wi' the sodgers !" 
The shopkeeper remarked dolefully : — 
"My, the auld wife'll miss him sairly." 
When the visitor had left to carry her news else- 
where, a customer inquired sympathetically if "Tam 
Henry" was the old woman's only son. 

"Naw, naw," the shopkeeper answered with a pity- 
ing smile, "Tam Henry's her best hoarse!" 



102 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

KNEW HIM OF OLD 

A certain recruiting sergeant was sent by the mili- 
tary authorities to his native town, with a view to get- 
ting as many of his acquaintances to enhst as pos- 
sible. 

One morning, as he was walking down the street, 
he saw a group of his old pals standing at the comer. 

Going up to the group, he said, "Now, lads, what 
do you say about joining the colors.? You know, I 
didn't get these stripes for standing at street comers." 

"Nowe," replied one of his pals, "if they'd gi'n 
stripes for that tha'd 'a' bin a bloomin' zebra bi 
neaw." 

THIS ORIGINATED IN NEW YORK 

In one of the French restaurants in Soho, where 
there had been a fight a few nights before, the fol- 
lowing was at once posted in large type: — 

"The war will be settled abroad. Please do not 
start anything here." 

An enterprising man has printed these placards in 
large quantities, and is selling them to the restaurants 
frequented by persons of various nationalities now 
at war abroad. 

TWO POINTS OF VIEW 

The Family Man — "The cost of everything is in- 
creasing at a terrible rate." 

The Military Expert — "Not everything. Accord- 
ing to statistics in former wars it cost fifteen thousand 
dollars to kill a man, but now, with improved ordnance 
and ammunition, it can be done for one-third of that." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR lOS 

SOME KIND OF A MARSHAL 
Wife (proud of her military brother-in-law, to hus- 
band) — "Do you know Fred has been recently pro- 
moted to field-marshal?" 

Husband — "To field-marshal! Impossible, dear." 
Wife (indignantly)— "Well, if it's not a field-mar- 
shal he's come to, it's a court-martial." 

NOR ON THE SOCKS 

An English colonel, at kit inspection, said to Pri- 
vate Flanigan: 

"Ha! Yes, shirts, socks, flannels, all very good. 
Now, can you assure me that all the articles of your 
kit have buttons on them.-^" 

"No, sir," said Private Flanigan, hesitating. 

"How's that, sir.?" 

"Ain't no buttons on the towels, sir !" 

LESS WAR NEWS WANTED 
A well-known London journalist never uses a note- 
book, but jots down such events as appeal to him, with 
suggestions for his subsequent articles, on his cuffs. 
At first his laundress was much puzzled by these hiero- 
glyphics, but as time went on she became able to read 
them, and apparently derived much benefit and pleas- 
ure therefrom. 

One day the journalist received, with his laundered 
garments, a slip of paper on which was written: — 
"Your last washing was very interesting, but we 
should be glad if you would give us more about 'Scan- 
dals in high hfe,' and less about the war." 



104 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

TWENTY STRAIGHT 

Sergeant (disgustedly, to Private Jones, who is 
not exactly an expert at shooting) — "Ugh! don't 
waste your last bullet. Nineteen are quite enough to 
blaze away without hitting the target once. Go be- 
hind that wall and blow your brains out." 

Jones walked quietly away, and a few seconds later 
a shot rang out. 

"Great sausages, the fool's done what I told him !" 
howled the sergeant, running behind the wall. Great 
was his relief when he saw Private Jones coming to- 
wards him. 

"Sorry, sergeant," he said, apologetically; "an- 
other miss." 

RUSSIAN EXPECTATIONS 

A retort that shows something of the attitude of 
Russian and Austrian officers before hostilities actu- 
ally broke out is reported by a Petrograd correspond- 
ent. 

In the course of his last interview with the Russian 
military authorities before the war. Prince Hohen- 
lohe, the Austrian military attache, expressed surprise 
that the Russians should be requisitioning so many 
automobiles, the extensive use of which since then 
may help to explain the rapid alternations of fortune 
of engagements that have so often proved confusing. 

"Your roads are too bad," the Austrian remarked. 
"Of what use are automobiles .f^" 

"Ah !" replied the Russian, "but you must remember 
that your Austrian roads are very good !" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAB. 105 

FREAKS OF BULLETS 
Wonderful Escapes From Death 

A sapper in the Royal Engineers tells the story 
of an extraordinary escape which one of his comrades 
experienced. A bullet took his cap off and cut a 
groove through his hair, without injuring the scalp, 
in such a manner that it looked as though he had 
carefully parted his hair down the center. 

This is but another illustration of the tricks that 
bullets play at times. It is doubtful, however, if any 
soldier in the present campaign has had such mar- 
velous escapes as Lieutenant A. C. Johnston, the 
Hants County cricketer, who relates how, shortly be- 
fore he was slightly wounded, a shell hit the wall six 
inches above his head, while shortly afterwards a bul- 
let hit the ground half a yard in front of him, bounded 
up, and hit him on the body, bruising his ribs. Then 
a bullet hit him over the heart, but was spent before 
reaching him, and when in the hospital he picked it 
out of his left-hand breast-pocket and sent it home 
to his wife. 

A charmed life, too, seems to be borne by a private 
of the Manchester Regiment, who relates how, while 
smoking a cigarette in the trenches, a bullet took 
the "fag" out of his mouth, while another cut the 
crown off his hat, leaving the peak still sticking on 
his head. And it is characteristic of the humor of 
"Tommy," even when the fire is hottest, that when a 
bullet took off the top of a tin of bully beef which 
another private had in his hand, he looked at it, coolly 



06 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

turned round, made a bow in the direction of the en- 
emy, and thanked them for saving him the trouble 
of finding a can-opener. 

A curious escape from what might have been a 
mortal wound was that of a Royal Scots Fusilier. 
During a severe fight he suddenly felt the shock of a 
bullet. "I am hit," he said to his chum. Looking 
down, however, he saw that the bullet had struck 
a clip of cartridges in his top left-hand pouch, but 
had done no other damage. The first cartridge must 
have been a little loose, and as it twisted round when 
it was struck, the bullet was turned off instead of 
going straight through the soldier's body, as it would 
have done had all the cartridges been firm. 

Mr. Frank Scudamore relates an extraordinary in- 
cident which occurred during the Soudan campaign, 
when he saw an officer, a friend of his, go down ap- 
parently shot through the head. "To my surprise," 
he says, "I met him walking about after the battle, 
apparently none the worse, save that his head was 
bandaged. Then he showed me how the bullet, strik- 
ing and deflected by one of the hooks of his helmet 
chain, had run right round his forehead, cutting a 
groove under the skin, and had then glanced off the 
helmet hook at the other side. 

FINDING AN EXCUSE 

Private Atkins — "Jones just stood me a drink." 
His Best Girl — "And did you stand him one back.?" 
Private Atkins — "No; a true British soldier never 
re-treats." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 107 

ONLY A MATTER OF TIME 

The general was busily inspecting a regiment the 
colonel of which was a very bad horseman, and this 
was well known to his men. The battalion was formed 
up in quarter column, and as the commanding oflBcer 
gave the order "Advance in column," the band struck 
up the regimental march past, with the result that 
his horse plunged and kicked furiously, and he was 
very nearly unseated. 

As the leading company was nearing the saluting- 
base the captain glanced round to see if his men were 
marching well, and was horrified to see the whole of 
the front two ranks bunched up in the middle and 
every man watching the commanding officer's eff'orts 
to retain his seat. 

"Ease off*, there !" he shouted, angrily. 

"No 'ee ain't," said a young recruit, "but 'ee soon 
will be!" 

SOUNDS LOGICAL 

Pat, who had joined the new army, was given his 
uniform by the quartermaster. Everything fitted all 
right till he came to put on the trousers, which he 
said were far too tight. 

"No, no," said the quartermaster; "they're fine." 

"I tell you they are too tight," said Pat. "They 
are tighter than me skin." 

"Nonsense, Pat ; how can they be tighter than your 
skin.?" 

"Begorra!" exclaimed Pat. "I can sit down in 
my skin, but I can't sit down in the trousers." 



108 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

UNWILLING MARTYR 

Some time ago little Willie rambled into the house, 
threw his soldier suit in the comer, and began looking 
over a book. This was unusual for the youngster, 
and mother began to investigate. 

"What did you come into the house for, Willie?" 
she asked. "You haven't quarrelled with Georgie 
Brown, have you?" 

"No, mother," answered Willie ; "but I'm not going 
to play war with him any more." 

"Why not?" queried mother. "What has he been 
doing ?" 

"It's just this way," explained Willie. "When 
we play war I'm Germany and he's England, and if 
I don't let him lick me every time he says that I'm 
not patriotic." 

THE TAR AND THE TARTAR 

Pat has always been celebrated the world over for 
his repartee, and he did not belie his reputation for 
smart retorts quite recently. 

It happened that a warship touched at a military 
port on the coast of Ireland, and a "Tommy," meet- 
ing a full-bearded Irish "tar" in the street, accosted 
him with: — 

"Here, I say, Pat, when are you goin' to put those 
whiskers of yours on the reserve list?" 

Pat turned and eyed his questioner thoughtfully 
for the space of half a second, then: — 

"Begorra, just as soon as ever you place your 
tongue on the civil list," was his reply. 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 109 

DON'T SAY "ROVER" 

The inhabitants of a Sussex village recently re- 
ceived somewhat short notice of the visit of a regi- 
ment of soldiers, and local butchers' shops were ab- 
solutely cleared out in the endeavor to treat the vis- 
itors well at their various one-night billets. 

One motherly old dear, who was cute enough to 
foresee the possible shortage, was early on the market 
and managed to secure a nice piece of steak weighing 
two-and-a-half pounds. 

Her three men arrived, very tired and very hungry, 
and by the time their ablutions were through the meat 
was done to a turn. 

"There," she said, proudly, as she placed it on 
the table, "I thought you'd like somethin' substantial. 
If you manage to eat that you won't be wanting 
much more till the morning. You're lucky to get 
it, I can tell you, for there isn't another scrap o' 
meat to be had in the place for love or money. Just 
shout out if you're wantin' any more tea made." 

The soldiers decided to have a joke with the old 
lady. They transferred the steak to a spare plate, 
popped it under the table, and called for her attend- 
ance. 

"Are the other two steaks ready yet.?" came the 
question. 

The old lady eyed the empty dish and held up her 
hands in astonishment. "Other two !" she exclaimed. 
"Why, I thought that one was enough for the three 
of you. Well, well, I'm done altogether. I can't beg, 



110 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 



borrow, or steal a bit, and I'm right down sorrj for 
jou, that I am." 

"It's all right, mother," laughed the soldiers. "It's 
too bad of us — ^we were only having a joke. The 
steak's under the table." 

"Good gracious!" screamed the lady. "So is 
Rover!" 

Instantly the men dived underneath the table to 
secure their meat. They saw a big black retriever 
dog, looking on very good terms with himself, beside 
an empty dish. The steak was gone. 

And three very tired and very hungry men made a 
meal off bread and cheese. It is dangerous to say 
"Rover" in their hearing nowadays. 

SCARS OF BATTLE 

"Yes, John received his trunk this morning. It's 
been somewhere over there in Germany for eleven 
weeks." 

"Where is John.?" 

"Why, he's out in the garage shooting bullets 
through the trunk. He thinks they'll make it look 
so much more interesting, don't you know." 

SUITED TO HIS POSITION 

The Irish adjutant's wife was telling Bridget about 
her husband. 

"My husband, Bridget," she said, proudly, "is at 
the head of the Tipperary militia." 

"Oi fought as much, ma'am," said Bridget, cheer- 
fully. "Ain't he got th' foine malicious look.?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR ill 

KAISER WILHELM II 
"I don't know that there is much use in keeping 
my school open more than a month or two each year," 
said the German pedagogue. 
"Why is that?" 

"Our Emperor has simplified matters to such an 
extent that when you ask the name of the world's 
greatest poet, painter, musician, general, traveller, or 
monarch, there is only one answer to all the ques- 
tions." 

AS SEEN IN FRANCE 

Two French soldiers took their places in the 
trenches — the one middle-aged, who had long since 
received his baptism of fire, the other a mere youth, 
whose chattering teeth and blanched face proved it 
was his first experience of real war. 

The older soldier tried to reassure his frightened 
companion. "Be brave, my lad; remember you fight 
for France." 

A shell screeched through the air close overhead, 
and the young man's terror increased. 

More soothing words, but more shells, and the up- 
set nerves still on edge. An hour passed, punctuated 
by many kindly encouragements, but the new sol- 
dier's fear had not abated. 

The patience of the other was at last exhausted. 

"Why do you shiver and shake like that, you vain 
young fool.?" said he. "You don't suppose the Ger- 
mans are firing all these expensive shells at you, do 
you.'* Ypu are not a cathedral or a work of art!" 



112 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

ANYTHING TO QUALIFY 
A lot of old-timers of the Army and Navy Club in 
Piccadilly were swapping stories. 

"One Sam Haskins," says a retired brigadier-gen- 
eral, "decided to enlist. He, burned with a desire to 
serve his country. So he applied at a recruiting of- 
fice, and was duly punched and prodded, trotted up 
and down, jumped over chairs and tables, and so forth. 
"Then came the questions. All manner of them 
were fired at him, and he answered most of them 
satisfactorily. Then came the stem inquiry: 

"'Have you ever served a term of imprisonment .f'' 

" 'No, sir,' stammered Sam ; 'but,' he added, hastily, 

'I'd be willing to serve a short one, if it's necessary.' " 

TAKING THE JOY OUT OF LIFE 

Wife — "The heavy explosions of a battle always 
cause rain. It rained after Waterloo. It rained after 
Fontenoy. It rained after Marathon." 

Husband — "But Marathon was fought with spears 
and arrows, my dear." 

Wife — "There you go again ! Always throwing 
cold water on everything I have to say." 

ON HIS WAY 

Still another recruiting story. A new cavalry 
trooper was being initiated into the mysteries of rid- 
ing when his horse bolted. "Where the deuce are 
you going?" thundered the instructor. The reply 
came back in gasps: "Don't know- 
'ome is at 'Ammersmith." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 113 

MORTIFIED THE FRENCHMAN 

"Of course, doctor, Geniian measles are seldom se- 
rious ?" 

"I never met but one fatal case." 

"Fatal!" 

"Yes ; it was a Frenchman, and when he discov- 
ered it was German measles that he had, mortifica- 
tion set in." 

CHECKS FOR TWO 

When the young officer, ordered to the Front, 
called on his tailor to get a fresh outfit, the tailor 
could not forget that there was already an old and 
unsettled account. 

But he felt nervous about broaching the subject. 

"I see the Germans," said the young officer, casu- 
ally, "have had a check." 

"Lucky Germans !" said the tailor, wistfully. 

The young man looked puzzled for a moment, and 
then took the gentle hint. Next day the bill was 
settled. 

SYMPATHETIC SOUL 

Scene — Soldiers' concert at which no alcoholic 
liquors are being supplied, the men being served with 
mineral waters by young lady helpers. 

Soldier (to young lady helper) — "Do you see that 
the man who is singing has got his eyes half-shut?" 

Young Lady — "So he has. What's he doing that 
for.?" 

Soldier-— "He can't bear to look at U3. He knows 
wot we're sufFerin'." 



114 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

A QUESTION OF DIET 

During a particularly nasty dust-storm at one of 
the camps a recruit ventured to seek shelter in the 
sacred precincts of the cook's domain. 

After a time he broke an awkward silence by say- 
ing to the cook: 

"If you put the lid on that camp kettle you would 
not get so much of the dust in your soup." 

The irate cook glared at the intruder, and then 
broke out: 

"See here, me lad. Your business is to serve your 
country." 

"Yes," interrupted the recruit, "but not to eat it." 

A GENTLE HINT 

The British soldier is never at a loss when sarcasm 
is needed, and an example of his readiness was seen 
only the other day. 

A long route march had been in progress and the 
officer had been none too patient. Several times he 
had had occasion to speak strongly to the men. At 
last, on the march home, the order came, "March easy" 
— the time when songs are indulged in. There was no 
call for "Tipperary" this time, but unanimously they 
started singing, "Kind Words Can Never Die." 

A MATTER OF PUNCTUATION 
Bix — "I see there's a report from Holland that con- 
crete bases for German cannon have been found there." 
Dix — "Don't believe a word you hear from Hol- 
land. The geography says it is a low, lying country." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 115 

AND THERE ARE OTHERS 

First Lady — "I see the master cutting a dash this 
morning. Nobody would think he was hard-up." 

Second Lady — "Lor' bless yer, no ! Since this 'ere 
Merrytorium come in he walks down the High Street 
in front of all the shops as though he didn't owe 'em 
a penny." 

SOME BONEHEAD 

The value of army remounts was exemplified the 
other day by the cavalry sergeant who lost patience 
with an awkward recruit. 

"Never approach the horses from behind without 
speaking," he exclaimed. "If you do they'll kick 
you in that thick head of yours, and the end of it 
will be that we shall have nothing but lame horses 
in the squadron." 

PROUD OF IT 

A train loaded with wounded soldiers drew up at 
a certain station. Among these was one whose face 
could not be discerned for bandages. 

"You poor, poor boy," sympathized an English 
lady, who approached him timidly. 

"Madam," replied the soldier, with as much pride 
as springing to attention would convey, "don't pity 
me. Pity my chums in the train there, who got hit 
where it won't show." 

"Why, why," she stammered. "I thought you 
would not like to be disfigured." 

"Disfigured!" the soldier replied, scornfully; "I 
am not disfigured, I am decorated !" 



116 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

DIPLOMACY 

A well-known English politician was much annoyed 
by reporters. One day he was enjoying a chat at a 
London hotel, when a strange young man came up 
who seemed to have something of importance to com- 
municate, and led him across the room. Arrived in a 
corner, the stranger whispered, "I am on the staff of 
an evening paper, and I should like you to tell me 
what you think of the Government's foreign policy." 
Mr. Dash looked a little puzzled; then he said, "Fol- 
low me." Leading the way, he walked through the 
reading-room, down some steps into the drawing- 
room, through a long passage into the dining*room, 
and drawing his visitor into the corner behind the 
hat-rack, he whispered, "I really don't know anything 
about it." 

AN OVER-DOSE 

A well-known physician was examining a class of 
nurses. He described the condition of a patient, and 
asked one nurse how much morphine, in her opinion, 
should be administered to the sufferer. 

"Eight grains," promptly replied the nurse. 

The doctor made no comment, and the girl passed 
on. When her turn came again she appeared greatly 
confused, and said to the examiner, "Doctor, I wish 
to correct the answer I made last time. I meant to 
say that one-eighth of a grain should be given to the 
patient." 

"Too late," remarked the physician, without look- 
ing up from his question paper. "The man's dead." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 117 

NOBODY CONCERNED 

The wounded soldier was being, attended by the 
doctor. The latter seemed to treat the case in a light- 
hearted manner. He prodded the soldier in the ribs, 
and grinned. 

"You'll be all right," he said. "You've got a bul- 
let in your left arm; but that does not trouble me 
in the least." 

"I don't suppose it does," said the soldier. "An' 
if you'd got a bullet in both arms I don't suppose 
it 'ud trouble me, either." 

HARD LUCK 

He was a Canadian and he wore a corporal's stripes. 
There he sat snugly in a sheltered part of his trench 
in that little corner of Belgium and played poker 
with a quartet of his comrades. Luck was against 
him. He had lost about everything he had to lose, 
when at the very lieight of the game — just after the 
dealer had done his best and worst — a shell came 
through the roof of the shelter, passed between the 
Canadian's long, lean legs (luckily without hitting 
him), and buried itself harmlessly in the soft earth. 
The others of the party leaped up in not inexcusable 
haste and fled from the place, but the Canadian did 
not move. 

The disturbance brought the company commander 
on the run. 

"What's up ?" says he. 

"Well, sir" says the Canadian, "that there shell 
drops in on us and when it don't explode at once I 



118 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

judge it is pretty safe not to go off at all. So I 
just set whei*e I am. The cursed luck of it is that Pvt 
been playin' away here all morning' drawin' rotten 
cards and losin' my shirt, and here just as I holds 
the first four of a kind that's gladdened my two eyes 
since Hector was a pup — and kings at that, sir — at 
that identical moment there comes this pifflin' German 
turnip and the other fellows beats it." 

HOW HE TOOK HIS 

English men-of-war have no ice-making machines 
on board, as do our ships, and everybody knows how 
the English fail to understand us on the subject of 
the use of ice, especially in our drinks. 

An English officer was aboard one of our ships of 
the Asiatic fleet, and, on being served with an iced 
drink, commented on the delights of having cool water 
aboard. The American officer responded with an offer 
of a small cake of ice, which was sent the following 
morning. Meeting the Englishman ashore a week 
later, the American asked him if he had enjoyed the 
ice. 

"Enjoy it, old top? Why, do you know, that was 
the first cold bawth I've had since I left England!" 

WILLING TO OBLIGE 

A recruit very anxious to join Kitchener's Army 
enters recruiting station determined to accommodate^ 
himself to any condition required. 

Officer (filling in form) — "What's your religion?" 
Zealous Recruit — "Well, what are you short of?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 119 

CAUSE FOR PREJUDICE 

"Why are you for the AlKes?" a friend asked a 
solemn-looking neutral, who looked as if there had 
been much suffering in his life. "Is it because you 
abhor Prussian militarism?" 

"No." 

"Is it that you fear Germany's desire to expand, to 
absorb foreign lands.? Is it that you dislike the Ger- 
man character .f^" 

"No," replied the solemn-looking individual. 

"Well, why are you for the Allies?" 

"Because," said the other, with a pensive air, "I 
once ate some sauerkraut." 

SELF-BETRAYED 

A sentry was giving close attention to his post in 
the neighborhood of a British army camp in England, 
challenging returning stragglers late after dark. The 
following is reported as an incident of his vigil: 

"Who goes there?" called the sentry at the sound 
of approaching footsteps. 

"Coldstream Guards !" was the response. 

"Pass, Coldstream Guards!" rejoined the sentry. 

"Who goes there?" again challenged the sentry. 

"Forty-ninth Highlanders!" returned the unseen 
pedestrian. 

"Pass, Forty-ninth Highlanders I" 

"Who goes there?" sounded a third challenge, 

"None of your d n business!" was the husky 

reply. 

"Pass, Canadians!" acquiesced the sentry. 



120 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

BRITISH HUMOR 

The crew of the Harpalion, one of the British ships 
torpedoed off Beachy Head, arrived in London yes- 
terday. Mr. S. Harper, the second officer, describing 
the experiences of the crew, said the ship was saihng 
down the Channel at the rate of about eleven and a 
half knots. , 

"We had just sat down to tea," said Mr. Harper, 
"at the engineers' table, and the chief engineer was 
saying grace. He had just uttered the words. Tor 
what we are about to receive may the Lord make us 
truly thankful,' when there came an awful crash." 

A MIXED BLESSING 

A gallant Tommy, having received from England 
an anonymous gift of socks, entered them at once, 
for he was about to undertake a heavy march. He 
was soon prey to the most excruciating agony, and 
when, a mere cripple, he drew off his foot-gear at the 
end of a terrible day, he discovered inside the toe of 
the sock what had once been a piece of stiff writing 
paper, now reduced to pulp, and on it appeared in 
bold, feminine hand the almost illegible benediction: 
"God bless the wearer of this pair of socks!" 

OR A BASEBALL UMPIRE 

"I saw a war picture, and one of the soldiers in the 
firing-line, amid bursting shells and dead and wounded 
men, was yawning." 

"He was probably a football-player to whom his 
surroundings seemed tame." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 121 

NOT TO EXCEED HIS LIMIT 

During the opening stages of the present war a 
certain soldier was told that there were three Gennans 
to every one of the Allied forces in that part of tiro 
field. 

Tommy went into action with great vigor, but 
later his company sergeant was horrified 4:o see him 
shoulder his rifle and calmly march to the rear. 

"Where are you oflP to?" he roared. 

"Oh," rephed Tommy, "I've killed three of the 
enemy. I've done my share, so I'm off back to the 
camp." 

OUT OF HARM'S WAY 

"If you had to go to war what position would 
3^ou choose?" 

"The drummer's, I think." 

"Why so?" 

"When a charge was ordered, I'd pick up my drum 
and beat it." 

SHOWING HIM HOW 

The company was about to commence practice in 
trench-digging. 

"Shall I show you how to handle the spade?" in- 
quired a young officer of one private who was curi- 
ously watching the efforts of his companions. 

"Aye, if tha likes," responded the soldier. 

"There you are," commented the oflScer shortly aft- 
erwards, as he handed over the spade. 

"Tha shapes pratty weel," said the private, a col- 
lier from the Durham pits, "for a novice." 



122 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

NO EXCEPTION 

Policeman (arresting burglar) — "Ain't people wor- 
ried enough by this war without burglaring their 
houses ?" 

Burglar — "All the papers are saying 'business as 
usual.'" 

JN HIS OWN LANGUAGE 

Bill Bates, a coal miner, had joined Kitchener's 
Army, and was undergoing musketry instruction. 

The officer had been at some pains to impress upon 
the recruits that in loading a rifle they should place 
one cartridge in the barrel and ten in the magazine. 

Singling out Bill, the officer said to him : 

"Now, what do you do with your cartridges when 
loading ?" 

"Put one in t' tunnel an' ten in t' can!" was the 
reply. 

SCARED HIM TO THINK OF IT 

The general was distributing medals for special 
valor. Summoning Private Bumptious to step for- 
ward, much to the general surprise of the ranks, he 
thundered out: 

"Men, look upon this hero, and imitate his bravery ! 
All through the long night he stood firm at his sen- 
tinel's post, although completely surrounded by the 
enemy, and there he remained, calmly." 

Private Bumptious turned deadly pale. But be- 
fore he fell in a faint to the ground, he gasped out: 

"Then they were enemies! I thought they were 
our own troops." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 123 

WHAT HAPPENED TO REIMS 

"Wasn't it fearful about the Reims cathedral?" 

"Don't say Reems ; it sounds horribly ignorant." 

"Well, how do you pronounce it ?" 

"Why, Hranss." 

"How?" 

"Hn — Hranhss ! Just as if you were clearing your 
throat. See ? Hranss !" 

"Well, you sound as if you had a dreadful influ- 
enza, threatened with grip!" 

"Well, that's right, anyhow. H — hn — hnh — 
hrahnhss !" 

"You'd better go to Arizona! You'll never get 
well here! I don't believe you, anyway. Every- 
body says Reems." 

"They don't, either !" 

"They do so!" 

"Oh, well, it depends on the sort of people you 
associate with — " 

"Well, I don't go with a lot of fake highbrows, 
anxious to show off the French they learned in a 
course of lessons by mail — " 

"Better than a lot of country junks who don't 
know how to pronounce — " 

"Oh, well, the church wasn't hurt much, anyhow." 

"No, they say it can be repaired. How do you like 
my hat.?" 

"Heavenly! What do you think of mine?" 

"Adorable ! Let's go in and have soda." 

"Let's." 



124 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

REBUKE THAT DIDN'T WORK 

British Teacher (to small boy) — "So you've come 
to school without a pen, eh? What would you say 
if one of our soldiers went to France without his 
gun?" 

Tommy — "Please, sir, I should say he was an of- 
ficer." 

SOMETHING TO THINK OF 

The awkward squad had been having a lecture in 
musketry. Just before they were dismissed the in- 
structor asked one of them : 

"Why is the rifle placed in the hands of a sol- 
dier?" 

"To protect my life," came the prompt reply. 

The instructor glared at him. 

"Protect your life !" he snorted. "Who's both- 
ering about your life? The rifle, my lad, is placed 
in your hands for the destruction of the King's en- 
emies !" 

A FAVORABLE BALANCE 

A friend called on a merchant who did a large Con- 
tinental business to ofl^er him his sympathy. 

"This must hit you very hard." 

"Very hard," said the merchant. "I've over eleven 
hundred pounds owing to me in German}^, and it's 
touch and go whether I ever get a penny of it. Still, 
we've got to put up with something for the country." 

"I'm glad you take it so cheerfully." 

"Well," explained the merchant, "I owe over six- 
teen hundred pounds in GeiTnany." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 125 

DISREGARDING THE LIMIT 

In order to stimulate rifle practice in a Lancashire 
district, especially amongst the rising generation, a 
match was arranged in which the competitors must be 
over fourteen years and under seventeen years of age. 

The match was in progress, and there seemed to 
be not a few of the competitors who would never 
see another seventeenth birthday. 

The climax was reached, however, when a young 
enthusiast, seeing the excellent score one of the com- 
petitors was making, astonished the spectators by 
shouting at the top of his voice : 

"Go on, father ; get another bull's-eye !" 

NO ABBREVIATIONS WANTED 

A corporal in the Liverpool Scottish tells a good 
story of "the front." 

The sentry's challenge is no longer the orthodox 
"Halt! Who goes there .f^" It is a short, prosaic, 
*'Who are you?" 

The other day a tired sentry challenged a party 
of the Princess Patricia's Own Canadian Light In- 
fantry. Back came the response, "P.P.O.C.L J." 

"I don't want to hear you say your alphabet," 
growled the sentr}^ "Who the blazes are you ?" 

HIS SACRIFICE 

"George, where are your school-books !" 

"When notices appeared that books were wanted 

for the wounded, I gave mine to them." — Humoris- 

ticke Listy (Prague). 



126 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

UNSATISFACTORY OFFICER 

They were about the rawest lot of recruits the 
sergeant had ever tackled. He worked hard for a 
couple of hours, and at last, thinking he had them 
licked into shape, he decided to test them. 

"Right turn!" he barked; then, before they had 
ceased to move, barked again, "Left turn !" 

One burly yokel slowly left the ranks and made off 
towards the barracks. 

"Here, you!" yelled the sergeant, angrily, "where 
are you off to.^"' 

"Ah've had enough on't," replied the recruit, in 
disgusted tones. "Tha dissent knaw thee arn mind 
two minutes stright running." 

PERPETUAL MOTION 

"Excuse me, but do you mind keeping your dog 
indoors at night till the war is over.?" 

"Why.'^" said the surprised dog-owner to the 
stranger. 

"Well, your dog's barking sounds just like a 'spe- 
cial' boy shouting in the distance. My wife's got 
two brothers at the front, and every time she hears 
your dog she sends me racing down to get the 'special,' 
and says I've been too stupid to catch the boy." 

MURDERING HIM 

Very British Guest— "What! Brahms.? You're 
surely not going to sing German.?" 

Hostess (apologetically) — "Well, of course, I shall 
take care to sing it flat." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 127 

SLACKER GETS BACK 

Frederick Palmer, the war correspondent, was talk- 
ing about England. 

"Everything is war, war, war, over there," he said. 
"Dear help the young man who is not in khaki. He 
has a dreadful time. 

"Now and then, though, one of these slackers — 
as they are called — gets a bit of his own back. 

"A slacker, for example, was passing a prison 
camp near London when an interned German shouted 
at him from the barbed wire fence : 

"'Hey, Kitchener vants you!' 

"The slacker frowned. 'What.?' he said. 

" 'Kitchener vants you,' the German repeated. 

"'Well, by Jove,' said the slacker, 'he's got you, 
all right!'" 

NEW CAUSE FOR WAR 

Robert Skinner, ex-consul-general to London, said 
at a dinner: 

"Of course neutrals see things from one viewpoint 
and belligerents from another. We all have our vari- 
ous viewpoints. 

"An English inebriate was recently released from 
j ail. To a friend who met him outside the prison gates 
he said: 

" 'Well, mate, wot noose ?' 

" 'There's a law agin' treatin', was the reply, 'and 
pretty near the whole world is at war.' 

" 'Just think,' he said. 'Just think of a no-treatin' 
law havin' sech an effect as that.' " 



128 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

NO ROSE WITHOUT ITS THORN 

The wounded soldier had reached home and was 
just out of a long delirium. 

"Where am I?" he said, feebly, as he felt the lov- 
ing hands making him comfortable. "Where am I? 
In heaven .f^" 

"No, dear," cooed his devoted wife. "I am still 
with you." 

A GOOD COME-BACK, BILL 

A chaplain in the navy enjoys telling of his endeav= 
ors to induce a marine to give up the use of tobacco. 
During a talk that ensued between the two, the chap- 
lain said: — 

"After all. Bill, you must reflect that in all crea- 
tion there is not to be found any animal except man 
that smokes." 

The marine sniffed. 

"Yes," he agreed, "and you won't find, either, any 
other animal in all creation that cooks its food, or 
wears clothes." 

ON THE SAFE SIDE 

Zealous Sentry — "Afraid I can't let you go by 
without the password, sir." 

Irate Officer^ — "But, confound you! I tell you I 
have forgotten it. You know me well enough. I'm 
Major Jones." 

Sentry — "Can't help it, sir; must have the pass- 
word." 

Voice from the Guard-Tent — "Oh, don't stand ar- 
guing all night, Bill ; shoot 'im." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 129 

COULDN'T BE DONE 

The English official had been telling the old Scot- 
tish farmer what he must do in the case of a German 
invasion on the East Coast of Scotland. 

"An' hiv I reely tae dae this wi' a' ma beesties gin 
the Germans come?" asked the old fellow at the finish. 

The official informed him that such was the law, 
"All live stock of every description must be branded 
and driven inland." 

"Dearie me!" gasped the farmer, in dismay. "I'm 
thinking I'll hae an awful job wi' ma bees !" 

ON THE FIRING LINE 

A stranger became one of a group of listeners to 
a veteran of many battles. The veteran had about 
concluded a vividly colored narrative of a furious 
battle, in which he had taken part. 

"Just think of it," exclaimed one of the party, 
turning to the stranger. "How would you like to 
stand with shells bursting all around you ?^^ 

"I have been there," responded the newcomer. 

"What? Have you, too, been a soldier?" 

"No," answered the stranger. "I am an actor." 

A MATTER OF TRADE 

Outside one of the recruiting depots in a large 
town a sergeant saw a smart young milkman, and, 
thinking to get a fresh recruit, said : 

"Young man, would you like to serve the King?" 
"Rather !" said the milkman, eagerly. "How many 
quarts does he want?" 



130 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

NOT LIKELY 

Two Irishmen were walking into Dublin from one 
of the outlying villages, and fell to discussing the war 
and the consequent increase in the cost of living. 

"But have ye heard the latest news?" says Tim. 

"No," says Pat. "Phwat is it.?" 

"There's a penny off the loaf."^ 

"Bedad," says Phat, "I hope it's off the penny 
ones." 

IMPORTANT POSTSCRIPT 

An Army officer's wife wrote to a Royal Army 
medical corps officer saying her child was suffering 
during teething; she addressed the letter "Dr. 
Brown." 

The recipient returned it with the remark that he 
should be addressed "Brigade-Surgeon Lieutenant- 
Colonel Brown." 

Whereupon the lady wrote back: — 
' "Dear Brigade-Surgeon Lieutenant-Colonel Brown 
— I am sorry about mistake. — ^Yours, May Jones. 

"P. S. — Please bring your sword to lance baby's 
gums." 

OR A SCRAP OF PAPER 

"I suppose you had a good deal of trouble when 
you spent your holiday in Germany this summer.?" 
said Mrs. De Jinks. 

"Yes," said Mrs. Von Slammerton; "chiefly in the 
matter of getting money, however. Why, would you 
believe it, Mrs. De Jinks, a letter of credit over there 
wasn't of any more value than a treaty of neutrality ?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 131 

NOT TO BE OUTDONE 

An Irishman who had recently joined Lord Kitch- 
ener's Army was sitting in a railway refreshment room 
the other day, when two smart young soldiers entered. 
Thinking to make the Irishman look small, one of 
them went up to the young lady attendant and asked 
for "A good cigar for a Hussar !" 

A little time afterwards the other one went up and 
said: "A glass of beer for a Grenadier!" 

Pat was not to be taken down so easily, and after 
a few moments' thought went up to the bar and, in 
a loud voice, ordered "A good tea for a V. C. !" 

NEVER FAZED HIM 

At a recruiting meeting recently the speaker, hav- 
ing got his audience in a high state of enthusiasm by 
telling them of the many brave deeds of the British 
soldiers in France, suddenly espied a big, strongly 
built man at the back of the hall. "My man," he cried, 
"how is it that you are not at the front .?" 

"Oh, it is all right," replied the burly yokel; "I 
can hear every word you say from here." 

STAY-AT-HOME TOILET 

A South London resident, whose garden runs down 
to the railway line, has hit upon a novel recruiting 
advertisement. 

He has hung out two old petticoats with a poster 
reading : 

"If you won't help your King and Country now 
you had better wear these." 



132 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

WHY BE NEUTRAL? 

If you favor war, dig a trench in your back yard, 
fill it half full of water, crawl into it, and stay there 
for a day or two without anything to eat, get a luna- 
tic to shoot at you with a brace of revolvers and a 
machine gun, and you will have something just as 
good, and you will save your country a great deal of 
expense. 

BATHING IN TEARS 

"Some of the soldiers in those trenches," said a 
doctor, recently back for a rest, "don't get a chance to 
wash for weeks at a time. They eat like bears, they 
never take cold, their health is superb — ^but, dear me, 
how they look, with never a wash ! 

"A humorist of the Coldstream Guards was singing 
in a second-line trench a parody of *Tipperary.' It 
was a funny parody, and in the midst of it a young 
sergeant shouted to the singer: — 

"'Yer makin' me laugh till I cry. Bill! Won't 
yer stop it? The tears are makin* me face all 
muddy.' " 

WHERE HE COULDN'T GO 

A few Sundays ago Bobby's mother was hurrying 
him to get ready for Sunday-school. Bobby (aged 
seven), not being very fond of Sunday-school, was 
grumbling all the time about schools in general and 
Sunday-schools in particular. Finally, to give vent to 
his feelings, he exclaimed: — 

"I wish there was only one Sunday-school in the 
world, and that — er — that one was in Germany." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 133 

PEACE SUGGESTION 

Ernest P. Bicknell, national director of the Amer- 
ican Red Cross, said on his return from Belgium to a 
Washington reporter: 

"If peace is to come, each side must do its share. 
Advances must be made like the girl, you know. 

"A young millionaire said to a beautiful girl on a 
moonlit beach between two dances: 

"'Don't you like that Shakespearean quotation: 

" ' "The friends thou hast and their adoption tried, 
Grapple them to they soul with hoops of steel" .?' 

"The girl sighed. 

"'Beautiful,' she said. 'Beautiful. But wouldn't 
hoops of gold be better.?' " 

HEADING HIM OFF 

An absentee soldier at West London police court 
complained that he had not been able to get a decent 
dinner at the police station and that he was hungry. 

"Well, I like to show consideration to men serving 
their country," said the magistrate. "Would you 
like something now.f"' 

"Yes, I could do with tea and bread and butter," 
the soldier answered. 

"All right," said the magistrate, but the soldier 
amended his request. 

"Can I have tea, bread and butter and cheese.?" 
he asked. , 

"Oh, yes," said the magistrate, laughing, "but take 
him away, jailer, before he asks for champagne and 
oysters." 



134 ANECDOTES CF THE GREAT WAR 

CAPTURED, NOT STOLEN 

A British soldier in Belgium was one morning 
wending liis way to camp with a fine rooster in his 
arms when he was stopped by his colonel to know if 
he had been stealing chickens. 

"No, colonel," was the reply, "I saw the old fel- 
low sitting on the wall and I ordered him to crow 
for England, and he wouldn't, so I just took him 
prisoner." 

LANDED A LARGE ORDER 

A Herculean soldier, arriving at Liverpool by rail, 
somewhat travel-stained, was passing along Lime 
Street when he stopped and called on a street arab to 
shine his boots. His feet were in proportion to his 
height, and, looking at the tremendous boots before 
him, the arab knelt down on the pavement and, hail- 
ing a companion near by, exclaimed : — 

"Billie, come o'er and gie's a hand; I've got an 
army contract." 

WELCOME RELIEF 

A chap had just gone to Flanders from the training 
camp in Devon, and his calmness and cheerfulness un- 
der German fire impressed everyone. So much so, in 
fact, that his corporal declared: 

"I never saw a new hand settle right down to it like 
George." 

"Oh," said another recruit, "if you knew George's 
wife, corporal, you'd understand how the poor fellow 
enjoys a quiet day among the vitriol sprays and 
poison bombs," 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 135 

THE USUAL QUERY 

An English school inspector, who did not look be- 
yond military age, got a Roland for his Oliver the 
other day. He invited a class he was examining to put 
questions to him. 

"Now, boys," he said, "don't be shy ; it's your turn 
now. Ask me any question you like on any subject 
you like, and if I can, I'll answer it." 

After hesitating, a small but courageous boy held 
up his hand and blurted out: "Why are you not in 
khaki.?" 

BEST OF REASONS 

"No, sir, I don't believe in war," cried the little 
man. "It means invasion and confiscation and a forci- 
ble and brutal alteration of existing boundaries." 

The man across the way turned to his companion 
and asked in a whisper who the little man was. 

"He is a mapmaker," the companion whisperingly 
replied, "and he's got an immense stock of old maps 
on hand." 

MOST UNUSUAL 

A British officer inspecting sentries guarding the 
Kne in Flanders came across a raw-looking yoeman. 

"What are you here for?" he asked. 

"To report anything unusual, sir." 

"What would you call unusual?" 

"I dunno exactly, sir." 

"What would you do if you saw five battleships 
steaming across the field ?" 

"Sign the pledge, sir." 



136 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

MORE SURFACE TO COVER 

The people of Luxemburg are not wanting in a 
sense of humor. One day an officer of the Prussian 
Guard entered a barber shop and had a shave. Where- 
upon he tendered to the barber a twopenny piece. 

"Excuse me, sir," said the barber, "but it's three- 
pence now." 

"Why threepence?" asked the Kaiser's Guardsman. 
"In August last you only charged me twopence." 

"That's true enough," was the barber's reply ; "but 
since the Battle of the Mame your face has grown 
much longer." 

WORSE THAN WURST 

They were talking of the war. 

"What an age we are living in, to be sure!" said 
one. 

"Yes," replied the other ; "it is the German sauce 
age." 

SHE KNEW PADDY 

When a certain Dublin woman was informed a few 
days ago that her son had been captured by the Ger- 
mans with other prisoners, and that he had been put 
into a chain-gang, she said, with great emotion: — 

"Heaven .help the man that's chained to our 
Paddy." 

HE HAD SMOKED ONE 

English Host — "I thought of sending some of 
these cigars out to the front." 

The Victim — "Good idea ! But how can you make 
certain that the Germans will get them-f^" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 137 

SALVAGE 

During the fighting a Highlander had the misfor- 
tune to get his head blown off. 

A comrade communicated the sad news to another 
gallant Scot, who asked, anxiously: — 

"Where's his head ? He was smoking ma pipe." 

A SOLDIER'S WIFE RELATES THIS 

I received a letter from my husband last week, in 
which he states that he and others were having a glass 
of beer, when a minister came amongst them and, 
kneeling down, began to pray, when one of the com- 
pany present, known as "Stammering Tommy," closed 
his eyes and bent his head. When he again opened 
his eyes, at the close of the prayer, some one had 
drimk up all his beer. "Eh!" exclaimed Tommy, in 
astonishment. "M-my b-beer's all g-gone. I shall 
w-watch and p-pray n-next t-time." 

IT SAID SO ON THE DOOR 

A group of patriotic and very enthusiastic boys 
was assembled outside a well-known London hospital. 
A passer-by was asked by one of them : — 

"Please, sir, can you tell us which general it is who 
is in this hospital.''" 

"General.?" replied the man. "I don't know of any 
general in this hospital." 

"Oh, yes, sir — look for yourself," cried all the boys 
together. 

The man fixed his gaze on the sign and read, "Gen- 
eral Lyirig-In Hospital." 



138 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

GENTLE HINT 

A woman who had had four stalwart soldiers billet- 
ed on her endeavored to use as little butcher meat as 
possible. Day after day there was served at the din- 
ner time a scanty meal, the chief item of which was 
tea. 

"Ah," she said one day, pointing to a tea leaf 
floating in one of the cups, "there's to be a visitor 
today." 

"Well, madam," said one of the hungry four, "let 
us hope that it's the butcher !" 

SOMETHING JUST AS GOOD 

The number of famous literary men who are now 
serving in his majesty's forces is so great that the 
happy idea has been conceived of publishing a book, 
the contributors to which are all celebrated authors 
who have become soldiers. 

Among the long list of names to be found in the 
volume, one of the best known is that of A. E. W. 
Mason, the novelist. 

Formerly Mr. Mason was a member of Parliament, 
and he tells of a man who wrote a certain M. P. asking 
for a ticket of admission to the gallery of the house 
of commons. 

The M. P. wrote back saying that he was very 
sorry that he could not send the ticket because the 
gallery was closed. 

The next day he was astonished to receive from the 
stranger the following note : "As the gallery is closed, 
will you please send me six tickets for the zoo?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 139 

NOT ON THE MENU 

A gentleman in khaki, just back from France, 
rambled into a restaurant. After glancing over the 
bill of fare, he looked around the room for a waiter. 

"Yes, sir," said the waiter, sliding over in response 
to his call with a glass of water and a napkin. 

"Tell me, waiter," remarked the soldier, "have you 
got frogs' legs?" 

"No, sir," was the rather unexpected answer; "it 
is rheumatism that makes me walk like this !" 

DYE IS SCARCE 

Gen. Joffre's quiet humor is typified in a story 
which comes from the trenches. Some members of the 
general's staff were discussing the number of officers 
whose hair had turned from jet black to white since 
the war began, and they had decided to their own 
satisfaction that the cause was to be found in the 
mental strain. Gen. Joffre was asked for his opinion, 
and, while agreeing with the conclusion arrived at by 
his officers, naively added that it was also very diffi- 
cult in war time to obtain the toilet accessories to 
which one was accustomed in times of peace! 

THE HERO 

First Tramp — "You seem very 'appy abaht it. 
Wot'sup?" 

Second Tramp (reading Mr. Asquith's Guildhall 
speech) — " 'Ere's me bin goin' wivout luxuries all this 
time, an' I've only jus' found out that I've bin 'elpin' 
the country to win this war," 



140 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

NEEDED A BRACER 

During the recent fighting along the banks of the 
Aisne a man was badly wounded. The Ambulance 
Corps tenderly placed him on a stretcher. 

"Take him to the hospital," said the man in charge. 

Slowly the wounded man opened his" eyes and whis- 
pered, faintly: — 

"What's the matter with the canteen?" 

AND SMITH COULDN'T DO IT 

Sergeant-Major — -"Now, Private Smith, you know 
very well none but officers and non-commissioned offi- 
cers are allowed to walk across this grass." 

Private Smith — "But, Sergeant-Major, I've Cap- 
tain Graham's verbal orders to — " 

Sergeant-Major — "None o' that, sir. Show me 
the captain's verbal orders. Show 'em to me, sir." 

PAYING HIS RESPECTS 

A soldier had died, and a very unpopular sergeant 
was making a "voluntary" levy of a shilling per man 
to be sent to the dead soldier's widow. He came to 
Mick, an Irishman, who was always in trouble, and 
who hated the sergeant. 

"Now, Mick, my man, where's your shilling?" 

Mick slowly put his hand in his pocket, and as 
slowly withdrew it. He looked lovingly at the shilling 
as it lay in his palm, and then passed it over to the 
sergeant. 

"There it is," he said, "and I'd gladly make it a 
sovereign if it was for you." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 141 

t 

GOT THE MONEY FIRST 

The following story is vouched for by a well- 
known Scottish M. P. somewhere off the East Coast. 
A trawler was on naval patrol duty. The skipper 
thought he would like some fish for breakfast, so he 
commenced operations. Soon up popped a German 
submarine close by. The trawler's skipper, an Aber- 
donian, was about to ram it and earn the prize money 
when the submarine's commander, not suspecting this 
evil intention, offered to buy some fish. So the canny 
Scot went alongside, sold his fish — and then rammed 
the submarine. 

FORTUNATE 

Girl (reading letter from brother at the front) — 
"John says a bullet went right through his hat with- 
out touching him." 

Old Lady — "What a blessing he had his hat on, 
dear." 

FEMININE STRATEGY 

"I was speaking with your father last night," he 
said, at last, somewhat inanely. 

"Oh, were you.f^" answered the sweet young thing, 
lowering her eyes. "Er — ^what were you — er — talk- 
ing about?" 

"About the war. Your father said that he hoped 
the fighting would soon be over." 

The sweet young thing smiled. 

"Yes," she remarked, "I know he's very much op- 
posed to long engagements." 

He took the hint. 



142 , ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

WAR WORKS WONDERS 

Vicar (wbo has called to read a letter to one of his 
parishioners from her son at the Front) — "Your son, 
Mrs. Codling, has been fighting in the trenches. For 
a whole week he was standing up to his neck in water !" 

Mrs. Codling — "Well, I never ! This war be doing 
some funny things, sir, to be sure. We couldn't get 
'im to put water anywhere near 'is neck when 'e was 
at 'ome!" 

UNLIMITED SUPPLY 

"Do you know, Bill would be awfully helpful to 
the Germans at the front." 

"How so?" 

"They might just get him on to talking about his 
fishing exploits when they were filling their gas- 
bombs." 

HER DEDUCTION 

Mrs. Brown (to Mrs. Jones, who has been to see a 
son off in a troop-ship) — "Well, I'm sure they'll be 
starting soon, for both funnels are smoking ; and, you 
see, my dear, they couldn't want both funnels just for 
lunch." 

NOT A FAVORITE BRAND 

Private A — "Wot kind of a cigarette have you 
got?" 

Private B (handing him one) — "Flor de Kitch- 
ener." 

Private A (takes a few puffs and throws it away, 
remarking) — "They would floor better men than 
Kitchener." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 143 

AN UNWILLING TARGET 

The Home Secretary, we understand, can not see 
his way to allow a distinguished Anglo-American who 
dwells in our midst with his family to exhibit, with 
a view to safeguarding his home against Zeppelins, an 
illuminated sky-sign bearing the words "Gute leute 
wohnen hier" ("Good people live here"). — Punch. 

A COMPROMISE 

In a certain hospital "somewhere In France" one 
of the nurses, before going out shopping, was in- 
quiring of the wounded soldiers whether they required 
anything brought in, and, if so, what. 

One poor chap asked her to bring him a bottle of 
"Scotch." She told him that was impossible, as he 
had been forbidden to drink anything, whereupon 
he promptly replied: 

"Well, have it frozen, and I'll bite it." 

ON A SCOTTISH BATTLEFIELD 

Patriotism Is more than name-deep. In the early 
summer a tourist party at a Stirling hotel included 
an obvious German who had a few months previously 
gone the whole hog in the matter of naturalization. 

He had called himself — say — Hector McKiltie. 
The party strolled out to the field of Bannockburn. 
Standing beneath the flagstaff, "McKiltie's" eyes 
beamed through his spectacles for a minute. And 
then came the patriotic outburst : 

"Mein gracious," he exclaimed, "so dis vas vere 
ve beat der Inglish !" 



144 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

IT HIT HIM FIRST 

The wounded soldier explained his grievance to his 
nurse. 

"You see, old Smith was next to me in the trenches. 
Now, the bullet that took me in the shoulder and laid 
me out went into 'im and made a bit of a flesh wound 
in his arm. Of course I'm glad he wasn't 'urt bad. 
But he's stuck to my bullet and given it his girl. 
Now, I don't think that's fair. I'd a right to it. I'd 
never give a girl o' mine a second-'and bullet." 

SWEET CHARITY 

Wealthy Benefactress (stopping in at the hospital) 
— "Well, we'll bring the car to-morrow, and take 
some of your patients for a drive. And, by the bye, 
nurse, you might pick out some with bandages that 
show — the last party might not have been wounded 
at all, as far as anybody in the streets could see." 

EXPLAINED 

Eminent Woman Surgeon, Who Is Also an Ardent 
Suffragette (to wounded guardsman) — "Do you 
know, your face is singularly familiar to me? I've 
been trying to remember where we've met before." 

Guardsman — "Well, mum, bygones be bygones; I 
was a police constable." 

OPTIMISTIC 
Sniper — "I've knocked the spike orf 'is bloomin' 
'elmet — 'e's took the top orf o' my bloomin' ear — and 
it's my shot next!" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 145 

WHAT STRUCK HIM LEAST 

An Irishman invalided home from the war was asked 
by one of his relatives what struck him most about 
the battles he took part in. 

"What struck me most?" said Pat. "Sure, it was 
the large number of bullets flying around that didn't 
hit me." 

THE TERRIER 

Sergeant — " 'Ey, there! Where are you going?" 

The Absent-Minded Beggar (who climbed out of 

the trench) — " 'Oly Jiminy! When that bloomin' 

shell whistled over 'ead Hi thought it was twelve 

o'clock!" 

MORE THINGS TO KNIT 

"My love, I've an idea," said old Mrs. Goodart 
to her caller. "You know we frequently read of the 
soldiers making sorties. Now, why not make up a lot 
of those sorties and send them to the poor fellows at 
the front?" 

A QUALIFIED FIGHTER 

Rather unexpected was the reply of a Mrs. Tommy 
Atkins to a lady who inquired if her husband was at 
the front. 

"Yus," she said, "an' I 'ope 'e'll serve the Germans 
as 'e served me." 

A SHORT CUT 

A stranger inquired of Pat which was the shortest 
way to the hospital. 

Pat seriously replied: "By shouting three cheers 
for Germany." 



146 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR 

A soldier in barracks asked for exemption from 
church parade on the ground that he was an agnostic. 
The sergeant-major assumed an expression of inno- 
cent interest. 

"Don't you believe in the Ten Commandments.?" 
he asked, mildly. 

"Not one, sir!" was the reply. 

"What ! Not the rule about keeping the Sabbath .?" 

"No, sir." 

"Ah, well, you're the very man I've been looking 
for to scrub out the canteen !" 

AS SEEN IN PRESS REPORTS 

Making the geography lesson as interesting as pos- 
sible, the teacher asked the name of one of the Allies. 
"France," cried one little boy. 
"Now name a town in France." 
"Somewhere," promptly returned the youngster. 

BEST OF INTENTIONS 

" Young Subaltern: — "I think I ought to get a 
periscope; what do you think.?" 

Grandmamma — "Don't go buying one, my dear; 
if you could borrow one for si pattern, I am sure I 
could knit you one just as good." 

DOUBLE TROUBLE 

"Mein Gott, it iss too much? Ain't it enough dot 
I fight for der Vaterland? Now der Emperor says 
we should marry before leaving for der front." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 147 

HE LOST THE COUNT 

A young officer at the front wrote home to his 
father : 

"Dear Father — Kindly send me $250 at once. Lost 
another leg in a stiff engagement and am in hospital 
without means." 

The answer was as follows : 

"My dear Son — As this is the fourth leg you have 
lost (according to your letters), you ought to be 
accustomed to it by this time. Try and hobble along 
on any others you may have left." 

DEADLIER THAN USUAL 

"I understand that all the warring nations find that 
women are perfectly able to make shrapnel." 

"I'll wager they make it in their own way, how- 
ever. One cupful gunpowder, one cupful nitro- 
glycerin, a pinch of fulminate, and so on." 

NEW USE OF THE WORD 

She — "Where have you been.^" 
He — "In the hospital getting censored." 
She— "Censored.?" 
. He — "Yes ; I had several important parts cut out." 

THE ORIGINAL ONE-STEP 
"Did you ever go to a military ball.''" asked a lisp- 
ing maid of an army veteran. 

"No, my dear," growled the old soldier. "In those 
days I once had a military ball come to me, and what 
do you think.? It took my leg off." 



148 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

MOTHERLY ADMONITION 

The young organist of the village church had 
joined the local corps to fight for King and Country. 
The whole place turned out to see t^ie boys go off 
to the Front, among them the organist's mother, a 
dear old soul, who was weeping bitterly. Bravely 
the old lady dried her tears, and as the train steamed 
out of the station she called to her son: — 

"Look after yourself, my boy, and be sure you 
keep your practice up." 

OTHER INTENTIONS 

Recruiting Officer — "And now, my lad, just one 
more question — are you prepared to die for your 
country" 

Recruit — "No, I ain't! That ain't wot I'm j'ining 
for. I want to make a few of them Germans die for 
theirs !" 

SLACKERS 

British Foreman Compositor — "Three more of my 
men have enlisted this morning." 

Editor — "Ah! A wave of patriotism, I suppose.?" 

Foreman Compositor — "Well! Perhaps that's the 
way to put it, but they say they would rather be shot 
than set any more of your copy!" 

A PUTTERING PUTTER 

War Fan — "What'de yuh think of von Hinden^ 
burg's drive?" 

Golf Fan — "His drive is all right, but they say 
he's weak on the green." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 149 

BLACK AND BLUE, PERHAPS 

The Village Know- All — " 'Ow's that son o' yourn 
wot went into the Army gettin' on, Mr. Highpate?" 

Mr. Highpate — "Oh, doin' splendid. They've 
made 'im a color-sergeant now." 

The Village Know-AU— " 'Ave they, though.? VS^hat 
color.?" 

BUT WILL THEY? 

"What makes you think we'll have better times 
when the war is over.?" 

"Well, for one thing, all these men who do nothing 
but stand around discussing the war news will have 
time to go back to work." 

•SLOW BUT SURE 

Yoemanry Officer (to trooper whose horse continu- 
ally falls to the rear) — "How's this? You told me 
your horse had won half-a-dozen matches against some 
of the best horses in the country." 

"So he has, sir" replied the trooper. "It was m 
ploughing matches he took the prizes." 

THE RECRUIT SCORES ONE 

"Blockhead !" shouted the exasperated drill-sergeant 
to the raw recruit. "Are they all such idiots as you 
in your family.?" 

"No," said the recruit. "I have a brother who is a 
great deal more stupid than me." 

"Impossible ! And what on earth does this incom- 
parable blockhead do.?" 

"He is a drill-sergeant." 



150 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

OUR GUESS WOULD BE BEER 

Teacher — "Now, children, who can tell me which 
is the Germans' favorite drink?" 

After a pause — "Champagne," exclaimed all the 
class excepting Tommy. 

Teacher — "Now, Tommy, don't you agree with the 
others ?" 

Tommy — "Well, teacher, I don't know. I am not 
sure that the German army are fond of champagne, 
but all the world knows that their navy always stick 
to port." 

A RARE OFFERING 

Scene, improvised singsong in a British relief- 
camp, to which a number of German prisoners were 
admitted as a special favor. Officer running it returns 
after a brief absence to find the sergeant left in con- 
trol of the program announcing the following item: 
"Our friends Fritz and 'Ans will now oblige with 
the 'Ymn of 'Ate." 

WISE RECRUIT 

Officer (in volunteer camp, to recruit) — "Now, if a 
fire should break out, what are you to do ?^^ 

Recruit— "Run and find you, sir." 

Officer — "Right. And, if I'm not be found, what 
then?" 

Recruit — "Put out the fire, sir.' ' 

BAD BITE 

"Well, I see the Germans have taken Lodz." 
"I'll bite. Loads of what?" 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 151 

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN 

A big German officer went into a shop in Brussels 
and explained to the old woman inside that Germany 
was ever so many times bigger than Belgium. 

"How is it, then," she inquired, "that you can- 
travel through Germany in three weeks, whereas you 
have taken over a year to get through Belgium, and 
you are not through yet?" 

The officer saluted the old woman and walked away. 

THE WHOLE PACK 

A platoon of a certain regiment, among whom were 
a number of men noted as inveterate card-players, 
was being drilled. The instructor lined them up and 
gave the command : 

"Number off!" 

Like fire along the front rank ran the response: 

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 
ten, jack, queen, king, ace !" 

NO GARTERS NEEDED 

"Anyhow, there's one advantage in having a wooden 
leg," said the happy soldier. 

"What's that?" said his friend. 

"You can hold your socks up with tin-tacks." 

WILLING TO SPARE HIM 

"Does your wife show any interest in the war?" 

"Yes, indeed. She talks about it." 

"What does she say?" 

*'Why, she says that she wishes I could go." 



152 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

CHANCE FOR SOME INVENTOR 

He — "Why so pensive, my dear? What are ycu 
thinking about?" 

She — "I was thinking that if all the yarns hus- 
bands give their wives could be knit up, what a lot 
of socks and mittens there'd be for the brave soldiers." 

IN "ZEPPELIN" TIMES 
"I can't understand it. A month ago you cut her 

dead, and now you can't make too much fuss over 

her." 

"My dear, it's quite simple. She has the biggest 

cellar in the district." — London Opinion. 

GETTING THE ACCENT 

"My barber is a Frenchman. Every day while he's 
shaving me he gives me a little lesson in French." 

"Fine. But don't you find it rather difficult to 
make replies?" 

"Yes, to a certain extent, but the lather that gets 
into my mouth seems to help my accent." 

AN OLD KNITTING STITCH 

It was several days after arriving home from the 
front that the soldier with two broken ribs was sit- 
ting up and smoking a cigar when the doctor came in. 

"Well, how are you feeling now ?" asked the latter. 

"I've had a stitch in my side all day," replied the 
wounded soldier. 

"That's all right," said the doctor. "It shows that 
the bones are knitting." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 153 

THE DEAR FRIENDS 

At a party Miss Brown had sung "It's a Long 
Way to Tipperary," and for days after she was sing- 
ing or humming it to herself. 

"It seems to haunt me," she said to a friend, who 
had also been at the party. 

"No wonder," said the friend. "Look at the way 
you murdered it." 

FIGHTING FOR HIS GLASSES 

A pair of field-glasses "made in Germany" was re- 
sponsible for the loss of a trench by the Germans in 
circumstances at once laughable and inspiring. 

The hero was a young British subaltern who won 
the Victoria Cross. 

The subaltern had a pair of Beiss field-glasses of 
which he was extraordinarily proud. He bored every- 
one stiff by talking about them continually. 

One day his company had been compelled to fall 
back on their support trenches owing to a sudden 
German attack. 

All at once the subaltern shouted "Good heavens !" 
and bolted through the communication trench. 

A sergeant, who was very fond of the young officer, 
went after him, and came back shortly after to the 
commanding officer to report: — 

"Sir, he has recaptured the trench." 

The commanding officer collected his men, and 
again advanced to the fire trench, where he found 
the subaltern, with a revolver in each hand, in front 
of a whole row of Germans, who had laid down their 



154 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

rifles and were holding up their hands. The com- 
manding officer congratulated him, but pointed out the 
recklessness of his action. 

"Sir," replied the subaltern, "I wanted to get my 
glasses back." 

CONCERNED 

Old Lady (to nephew on leave from the front) — 
"Good-by, my dear boy, and try and find time to send 
a post-card to let me know you are safely back in 
the trenches!" 

MOST LIKELY 

Bix — "By the way, who is, or rather was, the god 
of war?" 

Dix — "I've forgotten the duff'er's name, but I 
think it was Ananias." 

TIMID 

Officer (as Private Atkins worms his way toward 
the enemy) — "You fool! Come back at once!" 

Tommy — "No bally fear, sir! There's a hornet in 
the trench." 

NOISY TIME-PIECE 

Ship's Officer — "Oh, there goes eight bells; excuse 
me, it's my watch below." 

The Lady — "Gracious ! Fancy your watch striking 
as loud as that !" 

IN NAVAL TERMS 

"That is the rhinoceros. See his armored hide.'*" 

"Um. And what's this.?" 

"The giraff^e." 

"Gee ! He's got a periscope." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 155 

SO CHANGEABLE 

First Recruit — "What do you think of the major, 
Bill?" 

Second Recruit — " 'E's a changeable kind o' bloke. 
Last night I says to 'im "Oo goes there?' An' he 
says, 'Friend,' an' today 'e 'ardly knows me." 

AMONG THE MISSING 

Old Lady (to wounded officer) — "Oh, sir, do you 
'appen to 'ave 'eard if any of your men at the front 
'as found a pair of spectacles wot I left in a 16 'bus 
in the Edgware Road?" 

NO LUCK 

"Do the Germans ever leave anything valuable be- 
hind them in the trenches?" 

Veteran — "Never a drop, mum !" 

RECRUITING IN ENGLAND 

Overlooking Blackburn cemetery has been stuck a 
great recruiting poster, which reads : — 

"Wake up ! Your King and Country need you !" 

ALL BUT THE FIG LEAF 
Here is a true story from Paris. A batch of con- 
scripts were to be examined by the army doctor. The 
latter, after seeing that everything was ready in the 
room., called out to the soldier attendant: 
"Send in the first man." 

The attendant shouted, "Adam!" And in walked 
a nude man whose name it was, and who happened to 
be the first on the list. 



156 ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 

LACKED EXPERIENCE 

The black sheep of the regiment stood before his 
commanding officer charged with being drunk. He 
stoutly denied the offense, and there was only one 
witness, a sergeant, to prove it. However, the rec- 
ords showed eleven previous convictions for the same 
offense. 

"You are a hardened and habitual offender," said 
the captain, sternly. "I can't take your denial against 
the sergeant's word." 

The prisoner turned to the sergeant-witness, and 
asked, "Have you ever been drunk?" 

On receiving an emphatic negative, he turned to 
the captain again. 

"Sergeant says I was drunk; I says I wasn't. I 
ask yer, captain, which is likely to be right — ^him 
what's 'ad no experience of what being drunk is, or 
an 'ardened and 'abitual like me?" 

CONDESCENSION 

Modesty is an engaging quality in a young man, 
and the British War Office is said to have appreciated 
the letter of a youth with no military experience what- 
ever who, in applying for a commission, stated that 
he would be quite willing to start as a lieutenant. 

A HEARTHSTONE HERO 

"I hear, Tommy, you saved a life in the war." 

"Hi did, sir." 

"How did you do it. Tommy?" 

"By not hinlisting, sir." 



ANECDOTES OF THE GREAT WAR 157 

STICKING TO IT 

When the Germans entered Belgium a native of 
Liege made himself obnoxious to one troop by his 
constant loud talk about the brave defense. Finally 
the commander summoned him. 

"Now, you've boasted about enough," he said. "We 
can't listen to you any longer. I'm going to give 
you your choice: you will be shot, or you will swear 
allegiance to the German Emperor." 

Considerably subdued, the offender pondered. 
"Well," he decided, "I don't want to die, so I guess 
I'll swear allegiance." 

And he took the oath. 

"All right," said the commander, "now you are 
one of us. You can come and go as you like." 

The man walked towards the door and was pass- 
ing out, when suddenly he turned. "Say," he ex- 
claimed, "didn't those Belgians give us an awful 
fight!" 

THE RETREAT FROM ALSACE 

Loquacious Visitor — "So you were wounded at the 
front, my good man.?" 

Irishman — "No, begorry. I was wounded in the 
rear av me." 

TEETH NOT ESSENTIAL 

Medical Officer — "Sorry; I must reject you on ac- 
count of your teeth." 

Would-be Recruit — "Man, ye're making a gran' 
mistake. I'm no wanting to bite the Germans; I'm 
wanting to shoot 'em." 



FLASHES OF IRISH WIT 

160 Pages. Paper Covers. Price 30 cents. 

BY CARLETON B. CASE. 

The best bulls, blunders and banter 
by the sons and daughters of the Emerald 
Isle, gathered into one volume for the 
delectation of all who appreciate a hearty 
laugh. This is not a mere collection 
from the ancient Irish authors, with their 
'*Handy Andys'* and other butts and 
jokers, but, in the main, is the best wit 
of the modern, the transplanted Irishman, 
the kind that Americans best know and 
appreciate. You will agree, when you 
peruse it, that it is the most mirth- 
provoking collection of real good Irish 
fun you ever read, and to say that is equiv- 
alent to saying that it is a book of un- 
surpassed humor, for the Irishman above 
all others "^ 'takes the cake" as a natural 
wit. 

SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. 

Chicago 



A BATCH OF SMILES 

160 Pages. Paper Covers. Price 30 cents. 

BY CARLETON B. CASE. 

A collection of the most laughable 
jokes, doings and sayings of funny folks, 
gathered from every quarter of the globe; 
warranted to produce a smile on the 
longest face. Comprising original and 
selected anecdotes by the world's best 
wits, some of which have never before 
been in print, and all of them funny and 
laugh-provoking; such humor as ladies 
and gentlemen appreciate, and are better 
and happier for the having. This is a 
companion book to Flashes of Irish Wit, 
its contents entirely different and with less 
of the Hibernian humor; the two taken 
together making the most complete 
gathering of modern wit extant. 



SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. 
Chicago 



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POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS 

Edited by Carleton B. Case 

The very latest, most up-to-date and complete 
works of their kind. Uniform in style. Price 
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lishers on receipt of price. 

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Chicago 

A Batch of Smiles (humor) 
A Little Nonsense '' 

Flashes of Irish Wit '' 
Some Irish Smiles '' 

Wit and Humor of Abraham Lincoln 
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How to Write Love-letters 
Art of Making Love 
Etiquette for Every Occasion 
Gypsy Witch Fortune-Teller 
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TELUNG FORTUNES BY CARDS 

By Mohammed Au 

••■m I'age** Fa4^«r Covers Frice 30' «««»*». 

(Edited by Carleton B. Case.) A symposium of 
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By Caeleton B. OAPK 
lWl• iinvv.^x'. P»p«r Covers vice SO ceatft. 

A book of the best current wit, culled from Eu 
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isi welcome and ha]>p^Tms« ha^ its h?iViitat. Nohorlv 
ki'iowjs who wrote 

*^A little nonsense now and thei^ 
Is relished by the wisest men, ' ' 
but that couplet inspired our title. It is a eoUec 
tion of smile-provokers for '*the wisest men," ami 
women, and we believe you 11 like it. There arft 
!)]tg of Irish anecdote in places, but most of the 
It! ; other than Hibernian, and all of it is good. 

SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO 
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